A “Tail” of Two Districts

You just have to love our elected representatives. Each Friday I have the pleasure of discussing the state legislature with our State Representative Ron Saunders on my radio show (Morning Mix, 94.3). Ron, unlike many of his brethren, is knowledgeable and honest about the issues we discuss. He does not avoid difficult questions and talks quite plainly about his positions on issues. The Keys are indeed fortunate to have Ron Saunders representing us.

Unfortunately, I’m not so sure the same can be said about our representation in the State Senate. To be fair, we don’t see much of our State Senator. Until election time comes around of course. Then Larcenia Bullard makes a few token appearances in Monroe County. You’ll have to excuse me then if I pass judgment on our esteemed State Senator based solely on recent activity in the Florida Senate.

Before I regale you with this beastly anecdote I must give credit where credit is due. The noted columnist Carl Hiaasen alerted us to the underlying story of bestiality run amok in, of all places, North Florida. It seems there are no laws on the books in Florida prohibiting Billy Bob from “scoring” with the pigskin; and I’m not talking about football. In this case it was a goat! Don’t worry defenders of Florida’s reputation; The Sunshine State is one of 16 states that have no laws protecting livestock from unwanted advances. Is that banjo music I hear?

To rectify this apparent oversight, State Senator Nan Rich proposed a bill to criminalize amorous liaisons with animals. The Senate’s Agriculture Committee added an amendment exempting animal husbandry, the practice of breeding and raising livestock by legitimate farmers, from the measure.

Incredibly, our State Senator, upon hearing the term animal husbandry, asked, “People are taking these animals as husbands? What’s husbandry?” You can’t make this stuff up. I was born in New York City, raised on an island where the only animals anyone had were a horse and maybe some chickens, and even I know what animal husbandry is.

Alas dear reader, it doesn’t stop there. Continuing along the spousal line of thought Senator Bullard then said, “So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey,” evidently referring to the woman who owned the chimpanzee that attacked a Connecticut women a few weeks back. Did the Senator really believe the chimp and its owner were married?

Interestingly enough, Ms. Bullard is the Vice Chairperson of the Senate Agriculture Committee and her district, State Senate District 39 incorporates a large agricultural area. Her constituency includes the western portions of Dade, Broward, and Palm Beach Counties, as well as Hendry and Collier Counties. One might assume that the Senator would be at least somewhat familiar with farming lingo.

Oh, I almost forgot, Monroe County also lies within Ms. Bullard’s district. Why, you ask, don’t we see her? There aren’t enough of us. Everyone in the Keys could vote against her and it wouldn’t matter. I suppose we should be happy she isn’t on any fisheries committees; I’d rather not hear her definition of “chum-balling!”

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