My friend Mac from the UK always sends me funny stuff – if ever there were a person who should be called a professional Internet funny-finder, it’s him! I don’t know where he gets the stuff; I just know that a lot of it brightens my days.

After a recent column concerning air travel, Mac forwarded this one to me – Actual Tales from an Actual US Congressional Travel Agent!

– A New England-based Congresswoman asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On a modern pressurized-cabin airplane!)

– The agent got a call from a Midwestern Congressman’s staffer who wanted to go to Cape Town. The agent started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then the staffer interrupted the agent with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make him look stupid, the agent calmly explained, “’Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.” He hung up on the agent.

– A senior Congressman from New England called, furious about a Florida package the agent’s company put together. The agent asked what was wrong with the Orlando travel package. The Congressman said he was expecting an ocean-view room. The agent tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. The Congressman replied, “Don’t lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!”

– The agent got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked if it were possible to see England from Canada. When the agent said no, the wife said, “But they look so close on the map!”

– A Midwestern Congresswoman called and demanded to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. The agent explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but the Congresswoman couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, the agent just told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

– A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” The agent said, “No, why do you ask?” He replied, “’Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said ‘FAT,’ and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting him on hold for a minute (so the Congressman couldn’t hear the agent as she was dying laughing), the agent came back and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

– A West Coast Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” The agent asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

– A Southern Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the agent reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” The agent double-checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When the agent told her this she said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

– And finally, A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, telling the agent, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” The agent, at a loss for words, asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The Congressman retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” The Congressman’s reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”


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