Every time I put forth one of these columns filled with actual newspaper headlines that actually got past editors and proofreaders and were actually printed in actual newspapers, our readers always take time to ask me where I will be performing this week. (HINT: it’s at the bottom of each column.) Now that we’ve cleared that up, relax and enjoy these Actual Newspaper Headlines – Part Tres!
• British Left Waffles on Falklands (Quite thoughtful to provide a nice breakfast.)
• Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors (It’s a low ceiling discrimination lawsuit.)
• Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash (Good thing we have those experts to explain these complicated occurrences.)
• Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told (Obviously by an expert.)
• Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon (To be followed immediately by the singing step van…)
• Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter (I hate those long lines at the grocery store.)
• Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 (He was having trouble hitting his 7-iron that day.)
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (I don’t know about you… but that seems just a trifle obvious.)
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (It really is a deterrent so that kids will stay in school and eventually get jobs as newspaper proofreaders.)
• Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday (Bummer, dude… what a buzzkill.)
• Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests (More hot sauce, please!)
• Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One (…as the other seven run like Hell.)
• Two Soviet Ships Collide – One Dies (Watch the local paper for funeral arrangements…)
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Oh, the humanity…!)
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case (I hate solitary confinement.)
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (They’re not just for breakfast anymore.)
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years (They must have been really mad at him to want to execute him twice.)
• Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One (It’s the gift that keeps on giving.)
• Mayor to Homeless: Go Home (I’m sure that’s going to work!)
• Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking (Brilliant! Simply brilliant!)
• Chick Accuses Male Colleagues of Sexism (No… her name really is Laura Chick, I swear!)
• Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks (Really???)
• Threat Disrupts Plan to Meet About Threats (Some people have no sense of humor.)
• One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers (Now we know what is the sound of one hand clapping…)
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms (The male mushrooms seem immune.)
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (…in an amazing role reversal!)
• Infertility Unlikely to be Passed On (It does make sense…)
• Physicist Recommends Bigger Balls to Slow Down Male Tennis Players (That would work!)
May all your headlines be happy, and let’s do this again next week!!
