The Holiday Season (or, as they’ll call it in the Tiger Woods household, “A Christmas to Remember”) is way more than officially upon us. I can tell by the amount of Christmas Carols that have new product-oriented lyrics this year (and I’m sure that the composer of “Deck the Halls” never dreamed that one day the lyrics would include “HDTV, 1080p!”).

Some of this alleged holiday music gives me (and reindeer) pause – there’s a song in a Radio Shack commercial that featured the lyrics (and I’m not making this up), “All the icicles are falling, falling… oooh.” Those were all the words the girl sang in the song. I’m not sure what it had to do with anything at Radio Shack. And if icicles are really falling, shouldn’t everyone get out of the way before they become frozen shish kebabs?

Crass commercialism has become a part of Christmas ever since we all learned how to say, “Ch-ch-ch-Chia Pet.” It just seems like this year, with all the Marts and Big Box store commercials, that it’s so much more apparent. And – really – do you know anyone (or are you that someone) who got a Lexus or Mercedes with a big red bow on it for Christmas? I wasn’t issued a passport to that world. It seems like a nice world, though.

Money alone, however, does not guarantee a Happy Christmas. Let’s go back to Tiger Woods and family. Did he ever possibly believe he could get away with one or two non-spousal Jezebel lady friends, let alone 10 or whatever the final number may be? The mother-in-law has descended, the wife is leaving, and sponsors are considering dropping Tiger faster than you can say, “That was a close shave, Gillette!” What could one possible buy for a man worth a billion dollars (well, half a billion) who used to have it all?

I’d suggest a new Cadillac Escalade to replace the one with the beat-out broken windows. Similarly, a new set of window-smashers (golf clubs) might be in order. And Tiger could do commercials and disclaimers for his newest sponsor: “Believe me, don’t drive or operate heavy machinery while taking Ambien.” And who knows? Maybe Tiger and David Letterman will become close friends, bonded by something only they understand.

Perhaps other sponsorship opportunities await Tiger… or perhaps his estranged wife, Elin. One of my fellow Rotarians who shall remain anonymous (but his initials are Ty Cash) suggested that perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Woods endorse the opposite of ExTenze – a new supplement called ReTract (if it totally disappears for four hours or longer, call a physician in order to avoid a more serious injury).

Other people in the news also deserve some appropriate Christmas gifts. How about Larry Craig, the former anti-gay Senator who was arrested for trying to pick up a male undercover officer in a bathroom stall by using some secret Morse code footsie game? The perfect gift would be a pair of fire engine red Capezio tap shoes! Let there be no more confusion as to what the toilet two-step really means.

Let’s not forget the embattled Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford. The easy gift is a map of the Appalachian Trail, but we all know he’s going to get a ton of these. Perhaps the more thoughtful gift would be a karaoke machine with the special song, “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina,” as Number One on the playlist. The LuvGuv will really be a hit when he sings that song during legislative sessions in the South Carolina State House.

And what about scandal-plagued Nevada Senator John Ensign? I’m sure he’s hoping we’ve forgotten all about the $96,000 (in perfectly legal $12,000 gift increments) that his parents paid to his mistress and her family. The Senator’s parents can be an example to us all about how it is better to give than to receive. I’m sure that if we each got a perfectly legal $12,000 gift from them, it would be easier for all of us to forget Senator What’s-His-Name.

Or, maybe if we all wake up on Christmas morning and find a Lexus wrapped in a red bow in our driveways…


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