Well, Election 2010 is history. Some candidates won, others lost, and ballot referenda passed or failed. Congratulations to the winners; they’ve inherited a mess. Good luck and Godspeed. This column, however, isn’t about politics, candidates, or the election. This week, we here at Keys Disease Central are proud to present…

THE TUBER AWARDS!!!

The Tuber Awards are given to recognize the absolute worst of YouTube videos. Please understand that this is an interactive column that’s best experienced online as well as on paper. All of you reading at home or wherever you can activate your laptop, netbook, or wi-fi device, open your browser and follow along!

Our first category is The Worst Rock Live Performance by a Duo or Group. While there are tons of qualified nominees (and I mean so many that there’s no way any one person could take the time and view them all), the Tuber goes to… Complete, with their live performance of the awful classic “Hoogie-Boogie Land.”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukjnrXTTvPY)

Lord knows what the inspiration of this song could have ever been, but the lead singer of this group of musical misfits is so consumed by wanting to get to Hoogie-Boogie Land. The emotion of the moment grips him like a bad case of constipation. Let’s move on.

Our next category is Worst Hip Hop or Rap Song and Music Video. Again, loads of qualified nominees, but only one can win the prize. And the Tuber goes to… Galaxy, for their video of the song “I’m So Swaggerish.”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fn00vTM4qaY)

Well, what can we say about this classic? Our rapper is consumed by his love of money and bling. The girls all love him, because they’re sleeping “with the king.” And this king knows exactly how to get his word out to the peeps – mostly by dancing badly in front of someone else’s Cadillac parked at The Home Depot. I swear I’m not making this up.

Our next category is Strangest Facial Expressions for Lead Guitar. There was little competition for this award, and I’m sure you’ll agree. The Tuber goes to… David MeShow, for his “Best Guitar Improvisation Ever.”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZM0EGBdHOw)

Very few nerds master heavy metal guitar. Perhaps now you’ll understand why. David, alone in his bedroom, attacks his Gibson SG with force and fury, as an invisible drummer wails away somewhere on tape or disk. You begin to realize that as David speaks through his guitar, that it’s really the other way around – the guitar has possessed David and is forcing him to make strange faces as the rapid-fire riffs flow from his fingers. And maybe that’s why a lot of Devil Music is made on Gibson SGs – Satan’s Guitar? Hmmm…

And now, we move to the category of Most Narcissistic Video Ever. Well, let me say that the competition in this category is fierce. There is no shortage of narcissistic video uploaders who really must believe that there actually are people who want to see what they post. But someone must win, and the Tuber goes to… Me (the “artist’s” name, not me, the writer), for her stunning “Girl takes pic of herself every day for three years.”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55YYaJIrmzo)

Every day for three years, this girl took a photo of herself in whatever dress, makeup, and hairstyle she was wearing. That’s a total of 1,095 photographs. After the three years elapsed, she took all the photos and edited them together to make an amazing 69-second video for the world to see. Glasses on, glasses off. Red lipstick, no lipstick. Hair grows, hair is cut. Throughout the three years, she managed to keep the exact same facial expression. And for whatever reason, she felt compelled to share it with the world. Facebook, meet Facefilm.

And now, it’s time for the Tuber Award for the Worst Video of the Year. Again, the competition was fierce. In the end, our judges felt that this video’s combination of bad music and sheer horror edged past the rest of the pack. So, without further ado, the Tuber goes to… Seycil, for “Miss Lonely.”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmPSZlt8QPg)

Listen to the music. Watch that face. Even though the video is only 22 seconds long, you will have been scarred for the rest of your life. On that happy note, we’ll wind up this year’s Tuber Awards with this thought: no matter how crappy things get, someone could post the video on YouTube and you could be next year’s champion!

Leave a Reply