Advice columns have been featured in newspapers for a long time. Dear Abby, Ask Ann, Miss Manners, and a plethora of advisors have loaned their wisdom to multiple thousands of people who have questions that need to be answered. In the spirit of the best advice columnists of our time, we here at Keys Disease Central have hired, at a great expense, an advice columnist to answer some of our Keys-specific questions. So for the first (and quite possibly, the last) time, we present Dear Keys Disease!


Dear Keys Disease: I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. I’ll go days at a time without seeing her, and my friends tell me she’s out late at (name of local watering hole), making kissy-face with lots of guys. I think I love her, and I certainly don’t want to lose her.

What should I do? – Lonely on Little Torch

Dear Lonely: I’m sorry—there’s probably nothing you can do. Here in the Keys, where there are, like, six guys for every single girl, there’s a bit of local wisdom that sums up your situation: your relationship doesn’t end, you just lose your turn. Try to enjoy your time in Paradise!


Dear Keys Disease: I came here with my boyfriend, but when I go out, there are so many guys who pay attention to me, it’s like an all-you-can-eat man buffet. I mean, my boyfriend is okay, but I feel I can have so much more. What should I do? – Boggled on Big Pine

Dear Boggled: I have a couple of questions I want you to answer truthfully. First, have you ever waited outside prison gates for newly released parolees? Second, did you ever, at any time in your past, swim out to meet a troop ship returning from foreign duty? If you answered “yes” to either question, then I’m not going to be able to offer any advice you’d actually listen to. Try to enjoy your time in Paradise! (I don’t think you’ll have a problem with that.)


Dear Keys Disease: Is it true that what happens in the Keys stays in the Keys? – Mystified in Marathon

Dear Mystified: Let’s not confuse our islands with Las Vegas. Here in the Keys, we have this little thing called the Coconut Telegraph that is one of the fastest methods of communication known to mankind. Do one little thing out of line, and the entire island knows about it within 24 hours. Do something really out of line, and your face is broadcast to the world via the Internet courtesy of the Sheriff’s website:


Dear Keys Disease: Then why do they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? –Still Mystified

Dear Still: You should probably ask O.J. Simpson.


Dear Keys Disease: I’m on vacation in Key West, but I love it more than anything. I want so desperately to move here and write the next Great American Novel. Should I? – Kooky in Key West

Dear Kooky: Well, why not? Hardly anyone comes here and does that sort of thing. And with all the spare time you’ll have after working two or three jobs to pay the bills, that novel should just flow right out of you. Good luck, and try to enjoy your time in Paradise!


That will wrap up this inaugural edition of Dear Keys Disease. If you have any questions, e-mail them to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Thanks for reading, and try to enjoy your time in Paradise!

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