2011 is upon us! And with a New Year come our fearless Keys Disease Predictions and Prognostications for that New Year. I checked back with last year’s column and found that I was absolutely correct in my predictions. Well, one prediction. I didn’t make too many last year.
This year, I’m going out on a limb. When I say limb, I mean sturdy reinforced concrete support with handrails and a harness. I have my legacy to worry about here. Anyway, here we go.
The University of South Carolina Fighting Gamecocks will win next year’s SEC Title and College Football National Championship. No, I haven’t been smoking anything.
The Miami Dolphins owner, Stephen Ross, upset over last year’s pathetic showing, will fire himself.
The NFL will relocate the New York Jets to Los Angeles in order to place a team into the largest metro market; angry Jets fans will switch allegiance to the Buffalo Bills.
The Miami Heat go on to win the NBA Finals over the Los Angeles Lakers, even though Shaquille O’Neal will have left the Celtics and patched things up with Kobe to play for the Lakers after the Celtics lost to the Heat. O’Neal will use a record number of Icy Hot patches to ease the pain.
In a related story, Comcast will fire O’Neal and hire the loveable LeBron James.
The Florida Panthers will continue to play all their home games at the BankAtlantic Center.
The Florida Marlins will play their last year as the Florida Marlins before becoming the Miami Marlins and invading their new digs in 2012. They will be a contender, but will have all their talent traded by the All-Star Game.
The Monroe County Commission will vote to require a unanimous vote to pass any ordinance or resolution. Nothing will ever happen again.
The City of Marathon will be unofficially renamed “Road Construction Ahead” by the Florida Department of Transportation. The Pigeon Key Ferry will be the fastest transportation service anywhere near the Middle Keys.
People will begin to realize that no matter who they send to Congress, nothing constructive will ever be accomplished until our officials – including staff and lobbyists – start putting country ahead of party and money. Then, they’ll curse and turn American Idol back on to see who our next musical stars will be.
The Geico Gecko will be spotted in the company of an unnamed female iguana (not Mrs. Geico Gecko) here in the Keys. At first, Geico will stand behind the gecko. After little igueckos start hatching from eggs all over the island chain, however, the resulting interspecies scandal will force Geico to dump the gecko faster than woodchucks chuck wood.
Fidel Castro will visit Miami. Angry members of the Miami exile community will advocate boycotting themselves.
BP will spend the rest of the $20 billion set aside for recovery toward the “recovery” of their image; people with claims against BP will fill out paperwork until they expire from frustration without seeing a penny.
The Weekly Newspapers will finally submit their humor columnist’s work to several newspaper awards committees; they in turn will shower the Weekly with awards for photography.
Wilson, the soccer ball lost at sea in the Tom Hanks movie Cast Away, will be seen sunning himself at Sombrero Beach and will turn up for a game at the Marathon Community Park. Unrecognized as a celebrity, Wilson will become deflated and disappear into the mangroves.
And finally, I’ll be appearing with Storm Watch tonight (New Year’s Eve) at the Key Colony Inn. That one you can take to the bank! Happy 2011!!!