It’s been a long time since we’ve featured an expert to help the rest of us intellectually challenged individuals out with current issues. In the spirit of the “Idiot’s Guide” and “Dummies” series of books, we bring you the first in our new series called “The Complete Imbecile’s Guide.” Today’s topic is YouTube, and our guest expert is Professor Cameron “Cam” Corder. For ease of understanding, we’ll present the material in the popular “Question and Answer” format.
Q: What is YouTube?
A: YouTube is a website…
Q: What’s a website?
(Please pardon us for a minute while we retrieve a higher grade of Complete Imbecile for the rest of the column.)
A: YouTube is a website that features literally millions of video clips on a computer server the size of West Virginia. These video clips are available “on demand,” which means that you direct your web browser to the YouTube.com website, “demand” to see a particular video, and wait patiently for it to start playing in your browser. This should only take 5-10 minutes.
Q: What if I only have dial-up?
A: Please reboot into the 21st Century.
Q: How do you find the video you’re looking for?
A: You find the video you’re looking for by using YouTube’s “Search” feature. There’s a little “text box” that will allow you to type in “text” to begin the search for your particular video.
Q: OMG! R U kdng?
A: Not that kind of “text,” imbecile. As an example, let’s say you want to find a video of a performance by Bob Dylan.
Q: Why would I want to do that?
A: Just play along nicely while we go through the example. Searching the text string “Bob Dylan” shows that there are about 117,000 relevant videos. Now, not all of them will be actual Bob Dylan videos.
Q: Why is that?
A: Because both real professional musicians and wannabes post videos of themselves performing songs by all sorts of artists, like Bob Dylan. Some even just do their own tributes to the artists in question.
Q: What’s the worst Bob Dylan tribute on YouTube?
A: That would have to be a video from Pepi, who shot himself – with his camera – singing along to a song by the Mandolin Brothers as he was driving in his car. (www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXIpug92L1Y)
Q: What is that weird string of text between the parentheses?
A: That is the URL of the video. It rhymes with hurl, which can be very appropriate after watching some of the videos on YouTube.
Q: Does Bob Dylan do tributes to other artists?
A: Yes. He salutes Elvis by performing “Heartbreak Hotel” in a clip that features great audio but useless video. Still, it’s worth hearing at least once. (www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2MmlF5PCp4)
Q: What is the absolute worst musical video on YouTube?
A: That would be a clip from a live performance by a band called, coincidentally, Complete. The song is called “Hoogie-Boogie Land,” and in the genre of Utter Crap, it’s a freakin’ masterpiece. Spark it up, Sparky. (www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukjnrXTTvPY)
Q: What else is there on YouTube?
A: Anything you might ever want to see, from inspirational musical and theatrical performances to the utmost in human stupidity – it’s all stored digitally on their mega-server. As an example, there are 48 videos of people touching their tongues to bug zappers. If your parents had a camcorder at the maternity ward, chances are your birth has been posted on YouTube.
Q: Is there anything I can do to keep the details of my life off of YouTube?
Q: How can I find out more?
A: Direct your web browser to YouTube.com and search for anything or anyone you want to see way too much of. Please remember to shower, eat, and sleep now and then when you can pry yourself away from the computer.