Here at the Weekly, we recognize that complexity isn’t always the answer. With that in mind, we ran a number of new product tests designed specifically for the light-beer swilling, American lobster warriors about to descend on the Keys with the fury of a Category 5 hurricane.
Originally, a list of 15 innovative and potentially illegal crustacean killing products made our cut. However, after months of painstaking research, a couple dozen 9-1-1 emergencies, and a violent confrontation with a leftwing PETA faction, one product triumphantly rose to the top.
Billed as a “biological doomsday device” by the National Association for the Salvation of Garlic and Butter (NASGB), the Tailmaster XL3000 is a portable, user-friendly, waterproof, lobster-vacuuming phenomenon.
“My target demographic can already comprehend NASCAR statistics and microwave burrito instructions, so I was curious to find out if they could understand more complicated technology,” explains local inventor and Monkey Key resident “Broiled” Bill Lemonjello. “I knew that my product had to be simple to operate — hence the single button.”
To further simplify the Tailmaster’s operation, Lemonjello also contracted a Kentucky wordsmith to translate the instructions into the Appalachian language.
“I realized that if thousands of Floridians would shell out $50 bucks to see the Miami Dolphins play football, they would definitely pay for the ability to vacuum up a buffet worth of delectable sea-creatures with a high-powered steel tube.”
Designed with the Upper State Florida Hillbillies (USFH) in mind, the resulting, ridiculously overpowered lobster-harvesting device comes with an external holding tank for melting butter, requires minimal external safety equipment and has already met with approval from several Monroe County officials.
The Tailmaster also doubles as a Flowbee hair trimming system – with special attachments for toddler mullets and backwoods flattops.
For added convenience, the energy efficient Tailmaster is designed to fully recharge from the power outlets in “dually” pickup trucks.
“It probably would work in cars too,” said Lemonjello. “But let’s be realistic.”
Widely expected to triple the average lobster hunter’s catch success rate, proponents of the new device expect soaring sales at local bars and restaurants since the time on the water will be cut in half.
Already sold out via internet pre-order, a limited supply of the devices is available right here in the Florida Keys at Circle K’s, K Marts and other fine retail outlets frequented by the USFH.
When questioned about the future of the innovative product, Monroe County Biologist and Supervisor of Idiocy Lenny Fuergeson shrugged his shoulders and said, “It makes sense to me— most USFHs are attracted to things that suck.”
Powered by three (3) marine grade batteries and made out of recycled vinyl, the American-made Tailmaster XL3000 is your answer for industrial-grade lobster catching capabilities in a convenient, sport season appropriate package.