Contributing columnist: Mike Honchovilla
In a progressive attempt to trim the local budget and fight terrorism, the Monroe County School Board overwhelmingly approved their radical chairman’s motion to eliminate the silent, yet possibly deadly “H” from all “scool” related periodicals, texts and signage with a 4-1 vote late Tuesday evening.
The silent H is believed to be the first of many letters to be eliminated from the school system, as paranoid lawmakers and bored parents have begun rallying against silent letters, claiming they pose a threat to the economy and our national security.
The hysteria began earlier this week when John Dick made a brassy motion to contract the services of Wy Not, a California based firm specializing in phonics, aluminum siding and yard moles.
He asked them to conduct a survey on the threat of silent letters in Monroe County schools. After just three days, and by using over a dozen charts with convex lines, scary drawings and grammatically altered words, Wy Not concluded the removal of the silent H could possibly save the school system anywhere from $40 to $200 in the 2011 fiscal year.
However, according to Joseph Yosarrian, CEO of Wy Not, silent letters do far more than simply inflate the county’s school budget.
“Silent letters have been hiding in our words for hundreds of years,” exclaimed a passionate Yosarrian. “Who really knows why these letters are there and what they are up to? All I know is when you hide, you must be a terrorist!”
After uttering these words, Yosarrian sent a panicked crowd of eleven into a frenzy of book burnings and protests somewhere near the vocational wing snack machines. School security was forced to blockade the library from an angry mob shouting chants such as, “the schwa E is not for me.” It is not yet clear what offense the schwa E poses, as it does not belong to the silent letter family.
In a more alarming incident, 9th grade honor student Toby Johnson’s locker felt the fury of one clever vandal who clearly intended to send a message. Using a gold-glitter paint pen (thought to be stolen from the cheerleading department); a simple yet haunting caption sparkled across Johnson’s locker: “No H in this OMBRE.” Adding insult to injury, the Guy Fawkes of Graffiti artists left behind a poster of famed country music lyricist Lee Greenwood taped beneath the student’s locker. A shaken Toby Johnson claimed he had no idea why he was targeted, nor has he ever heard of Lee Greenwood.
Johnson’s mother, emphasizing the traumatic impact of this incident, stated Toby will probably miss a half day of school.
Other than the board of education, Wy Not and a handful of rioters, a Weekly Papers poll revealed most of Monroe County is against dropping the silent H from the school system. Some feel it is not cost efficient, citing the lofty difference between Wy Not’s $150,000 annual contract to the $40 of estimated savings, while others argue the measure is symbol of censorship, posing a direct attack on freedom of speech. Though most of those polled simply think the entire thing is just another crazy antic.
Yet school officials remain united against the silent H. After dropping the “h” from his own name as a gesture of solidarity, board member Andy Griffits said his crusade goes far beyond just one consonant.
John Dick, who is recognized for his militant views on finances, claims that “silent letters are like the gall bladder of the alphabet and serve no purpose except to put old people at risk. In 2011 our board will wage war on the silent G, W and K.” Dick also wants to eliminate sloppy joes from the middle school lunch program.
While the futures of endangered consonants are uncertain in Monroe County, local municipalities are taking immediate measures to suffocate any panic that might spread from the school libraries into our streets. Monroe County Mayor Heather Carruthers has announced a “Silent Summit” saying the issue is “bigger than BP.”
Lee Greenwood was unavailable for comment at the time of this article