“So it’s you versus Spring Breakers? Let me know how that works out.”

Key West is the consummate Spring Break host. And like it or not, we serve up Jell-O shots and 80-degree rays of sunshine better than anyone else. But it sneaks up on us, between work, kids’ games, parades and fundraisers; somehow the young ones slip in and snatch up our happy-hour seats. Here are your top indicators that Spring Break is upon us.

  1. There are bikini-clad girls walking through Publix and they don’t work for Corona.
  2. There’s a guy named Ted, who apparently sees rainbows and unicorns and is trying to ride the iguana in your backyard.
  3. It sounds like the entire town is playing with squeaky toys; nope, that’s just incessant scooter honking.
  4. Five Guys looks like a chapter of Beta Alpha Chi.
  5. Every sentence starts with “When I went on Spring Break, we never …”
  6. We are visually assaulted by neon, crochet and fringe.
  7. You realize your mother never said, “Find a guy in a trucker hat, that’s a keeper.”
  8. You realize you too once had 3-percent body fat. And then depression sets in.
  9. Local servers have to be restrained after an average tip rate of 4 percent.
  10. Your front porch is accessorized with a pile of vomit and a sleeping UCF sophomore named Trevor.

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