Weekly Newspapers Dictionary – 2011 Edition

Weekly Newspapers Dictionary – 2011 Edition

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The
Weekly Newspapers Dictionary – 2011 Edition

Weekly Newspapers Dictionary

A
Weekly Staff Report

Every
year hundreds of transplants arrive in the Keys with notions of beachside
Mojitos and endless days of boating and sailing. They are the first to squeal
with delight at the thought of a hurricane party and the first ones to ask, “How
far to the Keys?” as they pump gas into an oversized SUV at the Marathon Citgo.

Those who make it soon replace their glassware with Styrofoam and new skills
begin to appear. Such as being able to tie a double-improved clinch knot, drink
18 Sloppy Ritas, and skin an iguana. Jeans and sweaters appear as soon as the
thermometer dips below 70° and those
who have been to a hurricane party don’t look forward to prospects of another.

Then,
and only then, can one be considered a local, but for the Keys’ newest wave of
transplants who are just arriving (or hiding) in the Keys, the staff at the
Weekly Newspapers has
compiled definitive explanations of our regional dialect.


A
affordable housing
: n. once considered endangered in the Florida Keys,
affordable houses are now as abundant as the goliath grouper (see “jewfish”)


artificials
: n. a fake lure used to attract a specific species of fish; a
new wave of Keys socialites with cosmetic upgrades and fake tans  


B
bag
limit:
n. established to maintain a healthy eco-system; 6 lobster per
day, 10 snapper per day, 1 cobia per person, no more than 6, 1 DUI per visit


bubba
: n. slang for the ruling class of the Keys and their offspring. 
Now in their twilight, the bubbas are quickly losing power to conservatives and
conservationists.


C
casual
: adj. usually referred to in casual dining. ie. wrinkled shirt,
tattered shorts, and crusty, dirty, Circle-K feet are all acceptable attire for
casual dining.


chum
n. fish attractant
v.
a public display of seasickness
 


conch
: n. marine shellfish or a person born in the Keys, both are
sensitive to environmental issues until they are deep-fried, pickled or retire
to Ocala
 


D

Dion’s
n. a crispy food item found in the most exclusive petroleum
stations


diving
: v. popular underwater activity where a self-contained
underwater breathing apparatus is used for prolonged water submersion; also used
to thin out the tourists during lobster mini-season


dolphin
: n. two varieties, but only one is served in restaurants; the
other is taught ‘behaviors’ and supposedly exhibits more intelligence than
conchs


drinking
: v. a popular Keys pastime; also used to woo the opposite sex,
sustain the local economy, and solidify political alliances.


F
Fantasy Fest©:
n. event. marketers will try to sell it to you as the
hottest Halloween party on the globe (really just a week dedicated to swinging
and nakedness)


fishing
: v. a popular Keys pastime; also used to woo the opposite sex,
sustain the local economy, solidify political alliances, and import foreign
crops


flats
: n. usually referred to as “the flats,” a good spot for
fishing, watching seabirds, and running your $40,000 boat aground and paying
double its worth in seagrass restoration


float:
n. what spring breakers add to their daiquiris; also used
as a perch to observe the abundant, topless tourist, during fantasy fest


G
gala
: n. a social engagement benefiting a notable cause or a bubba’s
political campaign


gauge:
n. used during lobster season to measure crustaceans (see tickle
stick)


golf outing:
n. a fundraiser usually accompanied by mid-morning
libations.


green:
adj. embracing the island lifestyle of reduce, reuse, recycle, and
compost your food. Being green is the new black and not just a color in your box
of Crayolas. Also, (see chum)


H
hurricane
: n. a tropical cyclone with winds greater than 74 mph; usually
accompanied with rain, wind. partying, fraud, and reduced library fines; a
popular frozen rum beverage


I
iguana
: n. a large, tropical lizard with a spiny crest along its back;  a
popular food source in South America, the non-native Florida Keys variety is
primarily used to defrost freezers


illegal downstairs enclosure:
n. illegal: yes…outlawed: no.
commonly referred to as the “in-law” quarters


J
Jewfish:
n. aka. Goliath Grouper; a large species of grouper that
can grow to the size of a Volkswagen. As a federal protected species, the fine
for stuffing a delicious jewfish filet with crabmeat and serving it with a
sherry cream sauce and artichokes is punishable by heavy fines, forfeiture of
vessel, and possible jail time. Definitely worth it.


K
Key
Deer
: n. a miniature descendent of the white tail deer; perfect for
burgers, steaks, and refuse removal. Found only on Big Pine Key, predominately
near dumpsters.


L
Land Development Regulation
(LDR):  n. used to preserve habitats
for endangered species such as wood rats and Key Deer while excluding other
endangered species…like the workforce; provides job security for attorneys and
planning departments


M
mojito
: n.  rum cocktail mixed with lime, sugar, and mint used to woo the
opposite sex, sustain the local economy, solidify political alliances, and to
inspire tough, terse prose


N
naif
: adj. native or ingenious. ie. 90 percent of our naif seafood leaves
the county as a treat for other parts of the country – just like those who
graduated from the Monroe County school system


O
Orange juice
: n. the juice of an orange (one of Florida’s main cash
crops). 1 gallon in Ohio: $3.59; 1 gallon in Key West: $5.29; living in
paradise: expensive!


P
plantain
: n. a tropical, banana-type fruit high in starch and low in
sugar; best served deep fried after 4 am


Q
“quarter wings/shrimp”
: n. a popular Keys’ Happy Hour special; used to
woo the touron, sustain the local economy, and get the hardworking locals out
for dinner


R
ROGO
: (Rate of Growth Ordinance) n. explanation indeterminate.


S
7-Mile Bridge
: n. aka. Flagler’s 8th Wonder of the World. The
bridge needs $34 million in repairs. May soon have corporate sponsorship:
“Captain Morgan’s 7-Mile” or “The [any bank] Bridge.”


stormwater
: n. after a rain, water draining off the island into the ocean
is full of contaminants


T
tourist
: n. aka touron. Seasonal guests who support our economy; erratic
driving habits keep law enforcement officials from bothering the locals


trailer
: n. see affordable housing.


U
u-turn
: v. turning a vehicle in a U-shaped course so the vehicle faces
the other direction. Easy on a scooter, but difficult in some canals.  Can also
refer to employee retention in regards to weak mainlanders who can’t handle the
island lifestyle.


V
v-neck sweater
: n. a particular sweater where the neckhole meets in a
point below the chin; virtually extinct and useless in the tropical Florida Keys


W
wastewater
: n. aka. sewage, poop water; one of our elected leaders’ most
popular subjects


X
Xanadu
: n. a place of almost unobtainable luxury or beauty. i.e.. Key
Colony Beach has their own wastewater system, cheap fire service courtesy of
Marathon, and the lowest millage rate in the Keys – Xanadu!


Y
yacht
: n. a big boat whose value is relative to the combined gross
product of Big Pine


Z
zodiac
: n. a rubber boat; perfect for those drunks who are always running
their hard-bottomed boats aground on our precious coral reefs

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