Many have said that 2020 has not only defied expectations, but also all semblance of reality. We offer here, to our readers, a 2020 headline maker based on the month of your birth and the first letter of your last and first names. ‘Cuz … you just gotta laugh.
— Microscopic gynecologists re-enact the JFK assassination (Sara Matthis)

BIRTH MONTH
January: Giant
February: Zombie
March: Murderous
April: Unstoppable
May: Robotic
June: Dozens of
July: Evil
August: COVID infested
September: Self aware
October: Microscopic
November: Super
December: Immortal

FIRST LETTER OF FIRST NAME:
A: Key deer
B: Pacifists
C: Chimpanzees
D: Hammerhead sharks
E: Elderly citizens
F: Corporations
G: Egyptian gods
H: Boating enthusiasts
I: Men over the age of 31
J: Teenage girls
K: Antidilsestablishmentarianists
L: Spartan warriors
M: Vampires
N: Werewolves
O: Zombies
P: Robots
Q: Glass blowers
R: Craft beer makers
S: Gynecologists
T: Nickelback fans
U: Elvis impersonators
V: eSport gamers
W: Necromancers
X: Used car salesmen
Y: Russians
Z: Hippies

FIRST LETTER OF LAST NAME:
A: are unionizing the professional drunks.
B: have taken Winn-Dixie.
C: just destroyed Mallory Square.
D: have created a new virus.
E: started an autonomous zone in Layton.
F: are occupying the Gato building.
G: set to rule the tri-county area on the mainland.
H: take over the 104.1 U.S.1 radio station.
I: assemble the iguanas.
J: dismantle the patriarchy of Rotary Clubs.
K: steal the original Honorary Conch certificate.
L: commit (lobster stamp) tax evasion.
M: reenact the Conch Revolution.
N: kill 99% of germs.
O: repeal all vacation rental laws.
P: release a typo-free mask rant.
Q: release the Karens.
R: assemble the Kraken.
S: successfully watch an entire Marathon city council meeting.
T: do something reasonable for once.
U: marry Jimmy Buffett.
V: found on the ocean floor.
W: are granted emergency COVID19 powers.
X: renewed for 12 more seasons.
Y: open up a DIY permitting office.
Z: destroy entire Keys’ inventory of manatee mailboxes.

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