This year, I’ve got kind of a big wish but don’t worry; it’s not something that has to fit in the sleigh! All I want for Christmas is to pass the Florida Keys Stewardship Act and see it signed into law. You fly over us every year so you’ve seen our unique environment first-hand and know how important it is to make sure the Keys are protected for future generations. Also, if you could, please bring my lovely staff some holiday cheer. They are hard at work preparing for the early legislative session in January and I think they may have forgotten that it’s almost Christmas! And while we are talking about the early session, maybe you could bring me and my staff some scarves and socks? I think we may be unprepared for winter weather.
Your Biggest Fan,
State House of Representatives
[CONFIDENTIAL: ATTORNEY CLIENT WORK PRODUCT]
As you are well aware, I have been super good this year. Should you wish to refresh your recollection of precisely HOW good I was, I would be happy to provide you with the following highlights:
• I voted in an election that only had one candidate
• I stopped for people who are stupid enough to use those ridiculous, randomly placed cross walks
• I donated to every Key West cause, attended every Key West fundraiser event and donated to every Key West charity to the extent that I have to rely on your kindness for the following items which are non-negotiable (i.e., I am 100 percent entitled to the following):
1. A bucket of Dion’s and a bottle of Veuve (orange bottle, not the white one) for Xmas morning breakfast.
2. Herman Miller Aeron Chair. (I know that you may find this super overpriced, outrageous and something I am totally not entitled to as I will not be working in the new City Hall but — please! Just put it on the city’s tab they won’t notice at this point!)
3. Something from Tiffany’s and it has to be sparkly, not the low-end silver work stuff. Last year GS got me a sterling silver pizza cutter — WTF?
4. A piece of property that would appreciate in value as much as Peary Court did so that I could sell it to the city and purchase sterling silver pizza cutters for all of Key West, because I am selfless like that.
5. Some Dexatrim.
6. A new shotgun, Beretta. You know how I am about Italian accessories!
7. A giant monster truck so I can block the road and prevent all those irritating running people with their bouncy knees from polluting our streets, making me feel guilty on Saturday mornings and pissing everyone off (except for Fatz, Becki, and Betsy Langan who are the only people who exercise who I hang out with).
The following items are negotiable (only if you feel my goodness has exceeded the previous seven items):
8. A permanent, lifetime reservation for four people at Tavern N Town for Thursdays at 6 p.m. surrounded by one-way mirrors and soundproof walls.
9. A new pair of Gucci stilettos in an ironic color.
10. Handsoap, for the guest bathroom.
I hope you enjoy the shot of Jameson and pimento cheese sandwich I set out for you. No one likes cookies and milk is just gross.
All my love,
We here at the Sheriff’s Office ask for safety during the holiday season for everyone living and visiting the Florida Keys. We hope everyone is wise in their choices this season; that no one drinks alcohol and chooses to drive; that everyone remembers texting and driving is dangerous, and we hope everyone is patient and courteous while traveling on our streets and highways.
Holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. We hope this holiday season we see more “best” and less “worst.” Please help people to work out their problems without resorting to violence and to respect other people and their property.
Please bring toys to needy kids and food to needy families. And keep everyone in our Sheriff’s Office family safe.
Thanks, Santa, for all you do,
Sheriff Rick Ramsay, Monroe County
Any chance can I get a copy of your naughty list? Not the entire thing, just the naughty ones living in the Florida Keys. I know it is a big list, but I can put to good use all year long. There’s a bottle of Havana Club in it for you. It will be our little secret.
X’s and O’s,
David L. Sloan, Minister of Debauchery, Conch Republic
This year our Christmas wish is for everyone to love his or her neighbor regardless of the height of their grass or any pesky palm fronds they may have lying around. We know this is a tall order, so we will also accept you gifting them wood to build a good sturdy fence. Just make sure that you give them a permit application with it, because our naughty list gets you a festive red tag.
Also, Section 5-21 of our code of ordinances states: “No livestock, such as cows, goats, sheep or pigs, barnyard animals such as chickens, ducks, or geese, shall be kept either penned or loose in any zone where not otherwise permitted in the City. Animals considered wild shall not be kept in any residential zone in the City.” This would include your reindeer, so please keep Rudolph and friends moving and be sure to have an elf on hand to clean up after them.
We know you are only here for a short period of time, but Marathon would be a great place to vacation after your yearly present run. Just plan to stay longer than 7 days and contact our code department to verify if it is a legal vacation rental unit.
Marathon Code Department
The holidays are always a special time of year and in my home we celebrate Christmas. Spending as much time with my family as possible, especially my wife and two young girls, is at the top of my Christmas list! In addition to spending time with my family, I will pray for the safety of our troops who are stationed around the world.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays,
U.S. Congressman Carlos Curbelo, Florida Keys
My name is Siena and I am 6 months old. Since I am new to town, I’m not exactly sure what presents the cool kids are asking for, so I’ll just request a few items that I know will keep my attention for longer then 5 minutes….
1. A mirror. I could stare at my adorable face for hours.
2. A chunk of my mom’s hair. I keep yanking on that stuff and she keeps screaming. So. Much. Fun. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving.
3. More toes. Mine taste so good and I only have 10 to chew on!
As you can see Santa, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. So, If you could put those presents under the tree for me, I would be oh so grateful.
Thank you and safe travels,
Siena Medero, Marathon
P.S. Mommy said that if you could bring her a full night of sleep and a day at a spa she would be your new best friend. I just wanted to let you know that.
First off let me thank you for your early Christmas present on November 3rd. I know that’s a little earlier than you like, but Miss Griffin wouldn’t postpone it until Christmas like I asked. You can bring her some coal. Just kidding, she’s very nice and does a great job.
What I really want to ask you for is some tables and chairs for the Marathon Rec Center, Mr. Anthony and Miss Diane work so hard with the kids down there and they need more space for the kids to do their homework. With over 65 kids they’ve run out of tables so some kids do their homework on the floor. And while you’re there could you drop off a new volleyball net and basketball hoop so those kids can continue getting some exercise after their homework?
If you could find a new Cubmaster to help with our Scout program I would really appreciate it. Our current Cub Scout Cubmaster deserves many thanks but he has to step down and now we need someone to take over.
And thanks for putting a good word in with Governor Scott to help Mr. Mike Puto get his appointment to the FKCC Board of Trustees. You know that guy just can’t sit still.
Please make 2016 as quiet of a hurricane season as 2015. But most of all thank you for continuing to bring my family good health, happiness and love.
Let me know if you need any help on Christmas Eve, remember I know Mike Puto.
Mark Senmartin, Mayor, Marathon
Sorry this letter is late. I know that you have a lot of other people to attend to. I just wanted to let you know, it’s been 48 years of really great gifts: a sled at 5 years old (first run crashed into a tree with mom; she still has knee pain); too many fishing poles to count (my wife now limits me to 25); kitchen gadgets and cookbooks (many great meals, and a few not so great); and the trip to France (I know you go every year, but it was a big deal to me). I really feel like George Bailey. It has been a Wonderful Life. So this year, I don’t need any presents for myself. But if you have a little extra time and some room in your sleigh, please take care of all those in need around us. I know that is a lot to ask, but it is your job to give. One specific request: my 5-year-old daughter really wants a scooter. But if you bring her a scooter, please bring her a helmet as well, because five year olds can get into accidents with Christmas presents.
Thanks for bringing joy to the world,
Rob Stober, Tavernier
P.S. Well, there is really one thing I want this year…
I’ve been very good this year — okay well maybe not all that good — but I’m not asking for much. I live on a boat anyway, so I can’t have a lot of stuff even if I were asking for some earrings, or a cute cocktail dress, because really, what would a boat girl do with some dangle sparkle earrings and a cocktail dress with a plunging neckline dotted with some delicate beading and a flattering flared skirt?
Attached is a photo of my sister and I when I was 16. Notice the cute two-piece bathing suit and my lovely flat tummy? Well that’s what I’m asking for.
I’m an adult so I understand you can’t make that in your workshop or wrap that and put it under our tree. (Oh yeah, about the tree, boat-girl remember. Is my gift contingent on the tree? I can work on that.) So, I’m willing to work toward the goal. I got a freaking gym membership. You can help with my motivation: every time the front desk guy says something stupid, can you have one of your elves bite him on the leg? No blood or anything, but just enough of a bite to annoy him in equal portion to balance out whatever political or social or snide comment he chooses to greet me with each morning.
For some added incentive I’ve left you a green-juice energy drink. Don’t get nervous about the color, it’s supposed to look like that. As for the floating fiber, you’ll get used to that. It’s not sticks, that is ground ginger. And that burning sensation in your throat as you drink it? Don’t get nervous, it’s supposed to do that. I also added cilantro because some book I read said that’s supposed to do something. It tastes like soap, but don’t worry about that either, it’s supposed to taste like that. I was going to leave some of those cute, perfect sized carrots too, but apparently those are bad because they are dipped in bleach water and orange food coloring which gives us cancer, so I decided against that. Because, really, if I have that cute suit on but am lumpy with cancer, then what’s the point?
Love, Hilary Badoian, S/V Ship O’ Fools, Boot Key Harbor
You can skip me this year.
I look back at this past year and see that my Christmas wishes have been delivered.
I have a great and healthy family, a job I love and allows me to live in Key West, loving pets (including the new addition of Callie), some true and wonderful friends, and the best is, I have been able to assist families in need.
I wish for everyone to get their Christmas wishes this year.
Jeremy Wilkerson, Key West
On my wish list is jobs for Florida.
The single most important thread holding our economy together is jobs. Our Florida program is “Florida Enterprise Funds.”
This is a very competitive program where other states and Florida are competing for corporations to relocate or move departments to their states. Our Governor needs our support in communicating with the legislature to fund our program that will create jobs.
As our college graduates and some high school students leave school and come into the job market, we will have good paying jobs waiting.
This is not politics, this is our salvation.
The state of Florida cannot lose this talent to other states as a result of no jobs to keep them here. The success stories are all over Florida and lets keep the momentum going. Please call your legislator and ask him or her to support our Governor.
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year,
Jerry Ellis, Mayor, Key Colony Beach