While performing a certain bodily function within the confines of a men’s restroom, I couldn’t help but notice, right before my eyes, inscribed within a hastily- drawn heart on the wall above the urinal for all to see: “Dave & Dawn ’03.”

I couldn’t help but wonder at how much love this man Dave must have felt for his beloved Dawn. So much love, that while performing a certain bodily function, he was compelled to take pen in hand (the other hand) and scrawl his message so that other guys performing that same bodily function would read of his unending devotion to Dawn. I was moved. I could also sense that there had been other movements in that same room, although I’m sure that not all of them were related.

Dave’s labor of love reminded me of other bathroom graffiti I have seen in the past. In addition to the usual “For a good time, call…” there have been some quite clever inscriptions, some of which I’ll share with you here.

Next to the hand blow dryer: “Push button for 2-minute speech by Richard Nixon.” And above the toilet: “Bill Gates downloads here.”

Sign in a swimming pool restroom: “We don’t swim in your toilet. Please don’t pee in our pool.” Sign above a toilet: “We aim to please. You aim too, please!”

Written on the condom machine: “Don’t buy this gum – it tastes like rubber.”

Sign on the inside of a toilet stall: “Patrons are requested to remain seated for the entire performance.” And a sign in a local restroom: “Employees must wash hands. If employees are unavailable, please wash your own hands.”

Written on the interior of a toilet stall door: “Congratulations! You’ve won a free game of Toilet Tennis! Look left!” Written on the left stall wall: “Look right!” Written on the right stall wall: “Look left!” You may want to try and actually visualize this happening to someone.

Written on a since-remodeled local restroom wall: “Dyslexics of the world: Untie!” This one seen in a school restroom: “Flush twice – this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!”

Written in a restroom years ago: “Question authority.” And right beneath it: “Why?” In a convenience store restroom: “To some, it’s a six-pack. To me, it’s a support group.” And in a public restroom stall: “I feel so strongly about bathroom graffiti, I signed a partition.”

Above a urinal in a local restroom: “Rehab is for quiters.” Right beneath it: “And for bad spelers.” I swear I am not making this up.

Here is some more actual bathroom graffiti from around this great nation of ours. From a men’s room in Arizona: “To do is to be. –Descartes. To be is to do. –Voltaire. Do be do be do. –Frank Sinatra.” And this from another Arizona location: “It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.” And from Armand’s Pizza in Washington, D.C.: “If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.”

The battle of the sexes is always a hot topic on restroom walls. Consider this gem found over a women’s restroom mirror: “You’re too good for him.” And this from the women’s room in (I swear) Dick’s Last Resort in Dallas: “If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.”

Men, don’t feel slighted. Here are some slightly abridged words of wisdom from Linda’s Bar & Grill in North Carolina: “No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.” And one to which both sexes can relate, from a women’s restroom in Montana: “Make love, not war. Hell, do both – get married!”

None of us here at Keys Disease Central actually suggest that anyone reading this column go out and start defacing restroom walls with a Sharpie. Besides, many public restrooms have come a long way in terms of cleanliness, appearance, fixtures, and those few automated motion-sensing paper towel dispensers that actually dispense enough paper towel footage sufficient to dry one’s hands. When it comes to bathroom graffiti, it is far better to read than deface. Just write your message on the paper towels instead.

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