My good friend Mac from across the pond always sends some very amusing e-mails. Many of them aren’t suitable for printing in an American family newspaper, but consider that the newspapers in England print photos of bare-breasted women all the time as their “Page 8 Girls” or whatever, and no one seems to get uptight. God help us all if one of our local papers ever showed an illustration of a female breast. Remember the Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” from several Super Bowls ago? There are people who still aren’t over that! By the way, the next time you see a print ad for the Hooters chain, check out the owl’s eyes. Never mind… moving on… here are some gems from my friend Mac!
* * * * *
A lady golfer was at the pro shop comparing different kinds of golf balls, as she was unhappy with the women’s type of golf ball she had been using. After browsing for several minutes, she was approached by one of the golf pros who worked at the store. He asked if he could help the lady. Without thinking, she looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”
* * * * *
The same lady and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. The lady replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” Her sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and the lady turned beet-red and walked away.
* * * * *
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? A couple’s three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and Mom was on him constantly. One day the family stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying their burgers, Mom smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter, but she was clean. Then Mom realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. She asked him if he needed to go, and he said no. Mom kept thinking that Danny has had an accident, and she didn’t have any extra clothes with her. Mom said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
Danny’s Mom just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. She asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident?”
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
* * * * *
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
This is a story about what happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! This TV station had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did the weatherman have to leave the set, but so did half the crew because they were laughing so hard!
* * * * *
Thanks, Mac, for the laughs! And please remember to think before you speak, unlike my youngest sister. I told her many years ago that I was performing at a New Year’s Eve Party. Before thinking, she asked me, “When?”
