Just in time for the holiday travel season, our good friends at the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) have implemented new invasive procedures guaranteed to make air travel even more stressful than it already is. For those potential airline passengers who like to carry their “junk” on board the aircraft (and who doesn’t?), you’ll be glad to know that the TSA wants to ensure that everyone’s “junk” is completely checked out and safe for air travel.

The TSA (Transportation Sexuality Appraisers) now offer air travelers two distinctly different methods to ensure that your “junk” is airworthy. The first method involves scanner machines that take images that show air passengers without their clothing. Young or old, skinny or fat, it doesn’t matter. Your body (as well as your wife’s, girlfriend’s, or young daughter’s) will be as visible to screeners as if you (or they) were naked as a jaybird. The first thing you’re thinking is probably how do you get one of those screener jobs. Don’t worry about that! The TSA has already hired lots of professional voyeurs – I mean, screeners – to handle this arduous task.

The TSA has ensured us that these professional screeners won’t see the faces of the naked bodies they’re drooling over – I mean, inspecting – and that the images of the naked bodies can’t be saved or printed. Except that’s not exactly true. Security staff members at a Florida courthouse that uses these scanners have saved over 35,000 of these naked body images, and have shared some of them in order to embarrass co-workers. Each scanner is equipped to save, transmit, and send images to a printer upon demand.

If the thought of your naked body being drooled over or laughed at by professional TSA screeners isn’t appealing, then relax, o worried traveler. You have another option (more invasive, yet truly a different option). If you don’t want to be scanned virtually naked, you can choose an enhanced pat down. Should you choose this option, the TSA agent will explain in detail the agency’s new policy for these enhanced pat-downs. The new procedure includes using the front of hands and fingers to touch you, the airline passenger, directly in your groin, buttocks, breasts, and surrounding areas. Don’t worry – these pat-downs will be performed by sensitive members of the same sex, and it’s all about clearing your “junk” to board the aircraft.

These new procedures were brought to light recently thanks to non-air traveler John Tyner. This 31-year old software programmer wasn’t terribly concerned about his “junk” being judged safe for flying by the TSA (Touching Stuff Allowed). After refusing to step into the virtual strip-search scanner, he was directed toward the enhanced pat-down area. We are lucky that non-passenger Tyner recorded the entire event on his cell phone video camera, so we can know exactly what happened. As the new procedure was being explained to him, Tyner told the agent, “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.”

The agent’s supervisor told Tyner that if he wasn’t comfortable with the enhanced pat down, “We can escort you back out and you don’t have to fly today.”

Tyner told the TSA agent, “I don’t understand how a sexual assault can be made a condition of my flying.” When the agent replied that a pat-down was not considered a sexual assault, Tyner said, “It would be if you were not the government.”

And this brings us to perhaps the most important point of all: when sexual assault really isn’t sexual assault. When saying NO means you’re an unpatriotic terrorist sympathizer. Parents, when you tell your children about what kinds of behavior and touching are inappropriate, you’ll have to make sure that they understand that if a TSA agent does it, it’s really okay. How can we ever be totally sure that our “junk” is safe for flying if it isn’t government-inspected?

You’ll be glad to know that as passenger-non-grata Tyner was trying to leave the airport; an undercover TSA agent in a sport coat approached and told him he could not leave the airport until he’d completed the security screening, even if he did not intend to get on an airplane. He informed Tyner that he’d be subject to prosecution and a civil fine of $11,000 if he left without being screened. Tyner told the man to sue him and walked out of the airport.

Just remember: Big Brother isn’t just watching you – he’s feeling you up.

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Today (Saturday, November 20) is the day that the City of Marathon in the Heart of the Fabulous Florida Keys celebrates its birthday – 11 big years! Woo hoo! Please come out to our party today at the Marathon Community Park for great entertainment all day, food and drink, fun stuff for the kids, lots of vendors, fun and games, and many surprises! Look for the big ad in this paper, and make sure you come by and party with us TODAY!!!


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