Dear Santa,

Other than the offensive classified ad I ran for a bill collector, I managed to stay out of trouble in 2010. Well…BP started calling me about that spoof we placed on the back page of all the papers, but who wouldn’t find that hilarious?

Screw BP. I hope Tony Hayward and the rest of his flunkies get nothing but coal and rubber dog poop this year.

Here in the Florida Keys, I have just a few requests. Please bring our friends at the Florida Department of Transportation something nice. The other day, they decided to add one more year of funding for the Pigeon Key Ferry Service. If you could bring them a new roadbed for the old 7 Mile Bridge, that would end the island’s logistical woes once and for all. 

On that note, can you please deliver bipartisanship to Tallahassee? Florida is a great state, but these legislatures spend as a much time as the feds haggling over petty politics. Our needs are pretty simple. Protect the Everglades, fund the schools, care for the elderly, and save homeowners from crazy insurance companies.

Here at The Weekly headquarters, I have wishes for my staff.

Ashley, our sweet and innocent Classified Director needs a car and a window for her office. She works hard banging the phones and deserves something nice – like a slightly used BMW.

A car for Ashley would benefit our office manager, Neil, because he chauffeurs her to work every day. He also needs new golf clubs. His woods are actually made of real wood!

I spoke with Travis and even though he doesn’t believe in anything except chaos, he would like to see any team from Cleveland win a national title. I realize this is a steep order, so peace in the Middle East will do.

Our trusty layout guru, Diana, is wishing for a decent camera. Her days are spent staring at a computer monitor and a camera would be a good excuse for her to get some fresh air.

Staff writer Blair’s Christmas list is simple. She is a slave to the marketing of Steve Jobs. When she is not banging out Pulitzer-worthy stories, she spends her time doing humanitarian work around the world, but with an Apple catalogue, she is like a four year old.

“I want everything on this page and everything on this page…”

Sales & Marketing Director Lesley Aaron may look glamorous, but she really is low maintenance. She works hard and volunteers her musical abilities all around town and could use a day at the spa or a nice, relaxing day trip with someone worthy of her company.

Please bring our columnists some inspiration. Every week, Jason Long, Drew Dinan, and John Bartus bust out interesting stories, but I am sure writer’s block hits them every once in a while.

My little sister, Josie, is another one who deserves a big gift. Even though she drives me nuts, I do love her. I think all she wants is a big sign for her Key West office, and about 50 newspaper boxes to place around the southernmost city.

Our reliable delivery people would like some lower gas prices.

Kate, the boss, could use a replica of herself. The various boards on which she serves eat up a lot of time away from our son, so an “Office Kate” would be a relief.

On that note, all I want are some earplugs. 

See you soon! This year, I will remember to leave some mustard sauce with the stone crabs.

Your buddy,

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