John Bartus

There comes a time in every newspaper columnist’s life when he is staring at a blank computer screen, especially when said columnist is tired of writing about coronavirus, when he just says out loud, “What in the Wide Wide World of Sports do I write about this week?”

For the younger readers, “ABC’s ‘Wide World of Sports’ was an American sports anthology television program that aired on the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) from April 29, 1961 to January 3, 1998, primarily on Saturday afternoons. In 2007, ‘Wide World of Sports’ was named by Time on its list of the 100 best television programs of all-time.” (From Wikipedia)

There is also the great Slim Pickens quote from the movie “Blazing Saddles,” when he exclaims, “What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?” It’s a great movie, certain to make just about anyone forget our current situation. But I digress. And I still need some subject material.

When was the last time you heard a bad joke? Even better, when was the last time you retold a bad joke to your family and friends just to hear the groaning? Well, here are a few you can try out.

What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!

Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?” The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.” “Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks. “Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

Now that you have some ammunition to use on your non-reading friends, let’s move on. 

One of my favorite column topics throughout the years has been actual newspaper headlines. Since I haven’t written one of these columns in a while, there must be some new ones out there. Research proves that there are — and here they are, pulled straight from the actual pages!

– Woman missing since she got lost.

– State population to double by 2040; babies to blame.

– Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

– Miracle cure kills fifth patient.

– Murderer says detective ruined his reputation.

– Safety meeting ends in accident.

– World Bank says poor need more money.

– Midget sues grocer, cites belittling remarks.

– Homicide victims rarely talk to police.

– Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive.

– Northfield plans to plan strategic plan.

– Rooms with broken air conditioners are hot.

– Prisoner serving 2,000-year sentence may face more time.

So there. Another column done, and another week to think about the next topic. May we all enjoy our time together and apart, and just get through what we have to get through.

Now that we’ve completely forgotten our current world, let me remind you that Mike Forster & Co. will be back at Brutus Seafood to distribute free hot lunches and bags of produce this Saturday, May 16, starting at 11 a.m. I will perform live this Thursday, May 14, at 6:30 p.m. at Sparky’s Landing in Marathon. And I will be playing my latest Social Distancing Concert 8 on Facebook Live, this Friday, May 15, at 7:30 p.m. from my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/john.bartus. For this week’s show, I’ll be playing all requests, starting with a few I got last week and couldn’t do. Hope you tune in, and “see” you this Friday!

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