Those who thought that the state of local government would improve after the so-called Gang of Three was disbanded must now be wondering how aliens have taken possession of the bodies of at least four Monroe County Commissioners. There really is no other logical explanation for a couple of decisions they reached this week.

An agreement to share the county’s Constitutional Gas Tax with Keys municipalities was trashed by four alien-possessed Commissioners this past Wednesday. Under the tax-sharing agreement, the county already kept $1.9 million, or 76% of the $2.5 million it collected annually. The Alien Overlord must have instructed its drones on the Commission to keep all the money, perhaps to purchase pharstapples to feed its gampifurd.

Let’s look at the issue from a logical earthling’s perspective. The majority of the gasoline taxes in question are collected by fuel dealers that are located within the boundaries of Keys cities. All Keys cities (and their roads) are located within the boundaries of Monroe County. The county uses these taxes to fix and maintain roads. So why are the roads and bridges outside the cities in Monroe County more important than the roads and bridges inside the cities in Monroe County? If you believe them to be of equal importance, you are still thinking clearly and aren’t under the mind-control of the Alien Overlord. If it weren’t for the alien possession theory, this move could only be interpreted as a petty fund-snatching money-grubbing slap in the face to Monroe County residents who happen to live in Keys cities.

So, what can we mere earthlings do? First, call, e-mail, or write your County Commissioners—yes, all of them (with the exception of Commissioner Mario DiGennaro, who has resisted the alien possession efforts so far). Let them know that you believe them to be possessed by forces outside their control, but that you’re on to them. Ask them to please return the Constitutional Gas Tax funds to Keys municipalities under a fair revenue-sharing agreement. If they say no, you must remember this blatant act of theft from all of us Keys city-dwellers. You see, us city-folk voters outnumber unincorporated Monroe voters. Not one of these four possessed Commissioners deserves a single vote from the constituents they just robbed. It will be quite difficult to win reelection without support from county residents who live in the cities.

I’m just hoping that the Alien Overlord doesn’t have a large ray gun pointed at the Keys. Again, alien possession seems to be the only logical explanation as to why the County Commission told the Navy (THE U.S. Navy) to “immediately cease and desist” all F/A-18 Super Hornet training flights out of the Naval Air Station on Boca Chica. They also gave the Navy an ultimatum to research the noise issue within 14 days and meet with local officials to address the issues. They TOLD the Navy to do these things. I swear I’m not making this up.

The Navy surprisingly responded by saying it would not cease and desist, saying it would “severely jeopardize the Navy’s mission in the Florida Keys.” Yes, F/A-18s are a rather noisy jet. Just remember that the Key West Naval Air Station is an active military base, and it’s been there longer than most of the nearby residential neighborhoods affected by he noise.

County Mayor George Neugent actually said, “This is an untenable situation. If this continues, we will be at odds at a much greater level.” The Key West Citizen wrote, “He did not elaborate about what might constitute a greater level,” which may indicate that the Citizen is aware of the alien influence in our county. Because as far as we all know, the County Commission does not have nearly the amount of weaponry necessary to escalate a conflict with THE U.S. Navy unless the Overlord’s Mothership has its ray guns pointed at us. I just hope I haven’t revealed too much infor…

ATTENTION KEYS DISEASE READERS: Nothing is wrong. Everything is as it should be. Do not question local authority. Go about your business and everything will be fine. Do not worry about the ray gun. There is no need for further transmission.

– John Bartus is a singer/songwriter and small business owner as well as the Past President of the Marathon Chamber of Commerce and the former Mayor of the City of Marathon. Check the Weekly Entertainment schedule for Bartus shows near you. He can reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) or by visiting

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