The creativity in the Best of Marathon will never cease to amaze us. No matter how many tinfoil-hat conspiracy theories there are about the awards, the Keys Weekly has nothing to do with the results. We do, however, have one job: Go through all the nominations and make sure we combine the right ones (i.e. “Keys Weekly” is the same as “The Weekly”), AND make sure the nominees are … how do we say this … fit for print. As such, we can neither confirm nor deny that the following are the …
TOP 10 REJECTED NOMINATIONS FOR THE BEST OF MARATHON AWARDS
10. Best Fishing Guide: “The guy who sells spots on Facebook Marketplace”
9. Best Customer Service: “Chick-Fil-A in Homestead”
8. Best Bank: “My Mattress”
7. Best Local Celebrity: “Publix Chickens” (also appeared in “Best Barbecue?”)
6. Best Place to Take a Date: “Monroe County Jail” (also wrote as “Best Place to LEAVE a Date”)
5. Best Happy Hour: “5-6 p.m.”
4. Best Sunset: “To the West”
3. Best Medical Professional: “ChatGPT”
2. Best Thespian/Performing Artist: “My 2-year-old when I say no”
- Best Breakfast: “Advil & Pedialyte”
