And a happy New Year

The year 2017 is upon us! And with a New Year come our fearless Keys Disease Predictions and Prognostications for that New Year. I checked back with last year’s column and found that I was absolutely correct in my predictions. Well, I didn’t make too many last year. Okay, not even one. So I’m already batting 1.000.

This year, I’m going out on a limb. When I say limb, I mean sturdy reinforced concrete support with handrails and a harness. I have my legacy to worry about here. Anyway, here we go.

  • The University of South Carolina Fighting Gamecocks will actually surprise everyone by fielding a team … and calling it a “rebuilding year.” People will complain.
  • The Miami Dolphins owner, fresh from (almost) making last year’s playoffs (see what I did there?), will face a real quarterback controversy between Tannehill and Moore.
  • The NFL will relocate the New York Jets to Mexico City in order to place a team into the largest south-of-the-border metro market; angry Jets fans will switch allegiance to the London Browns. People will complain.
  • The Miami Heat will go on to have a season I won’t care not one bloody bit about after the shoddy treatment Pat Riley gave to Dywane Wade after all Wade did for Miami.
  • In a related story, the Cleveland Cavaliers will hire Wade from the Bulls and reunite him with LeBron James on their way to a repeat NBA championship.
  • The Florida Panthers will be renamed the Washington Army Recruits as they follow their owner to his new job. The displaced Washington Capitals will come see if South Florida is really interested at all in professional hockey. People will complain.
  • The Miami Marlins will play a season split in two parts and totally based around the 2017 All Star Game. The All-Star Game will be the highlight of the Marlins’ season. And Marlins Stadium will sell more New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox logo items than they will of their own gear. Jeffrey Loria will complain … as he tries to sell the team.
  • The Cleveland Indians and Chicago Cubs will play in a rematch of the 2016 World Series — one of the best World Series ever. This year, the Indians will squeak it out in seven games. People will complain.
  • People will begin to realize that no matter who they send to Congress, nothing constructive will ever be accomplished until our officials – including staff and lobbyists – start putting country ahead of party and money. Right. Actually, they’ll just turn “The Voice” back on to see who our next musical stars will be.
  • The Geico Gecko will be spotted in the company of an unnamed female iguana (not Mrs. Geico Gecko) here in the Keys. At first, Geico will stand behind the gecko. After little igueckos start hatching from eggs all over the island chain, however, the resulting interspecies scandal will force Geico to dump the gecko faster than woodchucks chuck wood. Reptiles will complain.
  • Raul Castro will attempt to visit Miami. Angry members of the Miami exile community will advocate boycotting themselves. People will complain.
  • The Weekly Newspapers will finally submit their humor columnist’s work to several newspaper awards committees; they in turn will shower the Weekly with awards for editing and photography.
  • Wilson, the soccer ball lost at sea in the Tom Hanks movie “Cast Away,” will be seen sunning himself at Sombrero Beach and will turn up for a game at the Marathon Community Park. Unrecognized as a celebrity, Wilson will become deflated and disappear into the mangroves.

And finally, I’ll be appearing New Year’s Eve at the Key Colony Inn. That one you can take to the bank! Happy 2017!!!

John Bartus performs Thursdays at Sparky’s Landing, Fridays at the Florida Keys Country Club, and Saturdays at the Key Colony Inn.


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