Clash of Chins: Best Beard finalists make their case as Best of Marathon voting concludes

We’re so glad we added this category.

Three of the Middle Keys’ most magnificent manes are going whisker-to-whisker for Best Beard supremacy in the 2026 Best of Marathon Awards. In a showdown some are calling “comparable to Brady vs. Manning” or “Tyson vs. Holyfield, but with less biting,” the votes are going to come down to the wire. So, we broke out the tape measure, asked the questions the community REALLY wants to know and gave each contender a chance to trash-talk his way to the belt (words, not razors). Some answered in printable sentences. Others … well, you’ll see. Check out the tale of the tape, and don’t forget to VOTE for your favorites at keysweekly.com/BOM26 until midnight on Sunday, Sept. 6.

THE QUESTIONS

1. Beard age: When was the last time your chin saw daylight?
2. Official beard length: Longest point from bottom of chin to bottom of beard. NO STRETCHING!
3. Beard wingspan: How wide are we talking?
4. Beard weight class: Lightweight, middleweight, heavyweight or “requires its own zip code”?
5. Maintenance time: How many minutes per day does this thing demand?
6. Annual beard budget: Oils, balms, brushes, trimmers, emotional support, etc.
7. Product count: How many beard-specific products are currently in your bathroom?
8. Shampoo schedule: How often does the beard get washed?
9. Most ridiculous thing ever found in your beard?
10. How many unsolicited beard compliments do you get in an average week? What’s the balance of women vs. men?
11. Number of times you’ve been called Santa/asked to play Santa:
12. What animal does your beard most resemble when wet?
13. If your beard had a name, what would it be?
14. If your beard had a job, what would it do?
15. What does your significant other actually think of it?
16. Minimum cash price to go clean-shaven?
17. Who’s your celebrity beard idol?
18. Give us one or two sentences of beard-related trash talk for your opponents.
19. Why does your beard deserve the belt?

TYLER BLANTON

1. When I was 8. 
2. Long enough … but you have to measure from the bottom, never on the top. 
3. It’s the wingspan of a majestic bald eagle. 
4. About as far from welterweight as you can get … and so is the beard. 
5. It’s perfect when I roll out of bed. 
6. It costs just as much as my kid’s travel ball expenses. 
7. 47.5.
8. Whenever I jump in the pool. 
9. A chicken wing and half a meatball sub from Driftwood. I found my kid’s matchbox car in there the other day too. That was a pleasant surprise –  he was pretty happy about that.
10. It’s really just Andy, multiple times a day. 
11. Are you saying I’m fat?
12. Mammuthus primigenius (the woolly mammoth).
13. Brian Geitz.
14. OnlyFans. 
15. It’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. 
16. What is clean-shaven?
17. Andy Sharf … but only vote for him for best local celebrity. 
18. I have opponents? 
19. It’s glorious. 

CHRISTIAN SOSA

1. I didn’t even remember I had a chin. It’s been so long. 
2. 5.5 inches. I don’t need to stretch it. Greatness doesn’t need assistance.
3. 8 inches – enough to have its own evacuation zone during hurricane season.
4. Mail is currently being forwarded.
5. About 10 minutes of actual maintenance and another 20 minutes of standing in the mirror admiring the results.
6. I stopped keeping receipts. Some things are better left between a man, his beard and his accountant.
7. Two. If it’s good enough for my wife’s hair, it’s good enough for my beard.
8. Regularly. This is a championship-caliber beard, not a wildlife habitat.
9. The shattered confidence of another Best Beard contestant.
10. Women admire it. Men study it.
11. This hasn’t started yet, but I don’t shun my older years when this starts. 
12. A majestic sea otter that has made several questionable life choices.
13. The Sosa Situation.
14. Meteorologist. It can detect humidity approximately three hours before the NWS Key West.
15. She threatened to divorce me after a long, hot day working when I threatened to shave it all off.
16. I’ll start negotiations at $1 million. Cash. Small bills. And I get 72 hours to say goodbye.
17. Celebrity beards should be studying me.
18. There are some nice beards in this competition. Unfortunately for them, “nice” doesn’t win belts.
19. Am I the only guy who walks through Home Depot swatting away other men who want to touch my beard?

ANDY SHARF

1. I’ve had the beard since I was 9.
2. 8 real inches, not the 8 inches I have my wife believing.
3. How the (expletive) should I know?
4. Heavyweight beard? I can think of other things of mine that are heavier.
5. I wake up looking majestic. 30 seconds.
6. Whatever expensive shampoo I steal from my wife.
7. See above answer.
8. No answer.
9. My beard once saved me from a blow dart. True story.
10. A bearded man complimenting another bearded man is the only time it should be acceptable to have a conversation with a total stranger.
11. I play Santa every year for charity. All funds go to the Andy Sharf Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good.
12. A disco beaver.
13. Answer cannot be printed in a newspaper.
14. What kind of dumb question is that?
15. Refer back to my beard’s name being (answer cannot be printed in a newspaper).
16. No money would make me shave my beard. Just kidding – 5,000 bucks.
17. Obviously Zach Galifianakis. Starts out with a “gal,” ends with a “kiss.” Too bad his name wasn’t (rest of answer cannot be printed in a newspaper).
18. Entire answer cannot be printed in a newspaper.
19. My beard doesn’t deserve the belt. Ever since losing Best Local Celebrity 1,000-1 to a foreigner tree that doesn’t even live in Marathon, I have given up all hopes and dreams of winning anything.