Regular readers of the Weekly know that every now and then I like to take a look at actual newspaper headlines that, well, should never have been allowed to go to print. Editors and proofreaders who weren’t fired or demoted should have been forced to eat Gourmet Bugers with a side of Crap Dip. (If we can’t laugh at ourselves…) Without further ado, relax and enjoy these Actual Newspaper Headlines!

• Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died (Amazing! How could that have possibly happened?!?)

• Missippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement (There’s still room for more.)

• Lady Jacks Off To Hot Start In Conference (Umm… not going to touch this one.)

• Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs (Who are you, so wise in the ways of science?)

• Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package (So many places to go, yet sadly none of them appropriate for a family newspaper.)

• Illiteracy An Obstable, Study Finds (So is lack of Auto-Correct.)

• Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says (How much does Nike really know about Tiger?)

• A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt (There’s no way that this headline wasn’t intentional.)

• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Were they expecting, I don’t know, Twinkies?!?)

• Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (It’s 4:20 somewhere…)

• Homeless Survive Winter: Now What? (My advice? Brace yourselves for spring.)

• Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police (Don’t feel bad – I’m betting that they don’t talk to too many other people, either.)

• 17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree (And I bet that they didn’t talk to the cops, either!)

• Cow Urine Makes For Juicy Lemons (They may taste a little funny, however.)

• Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head (Okay…)

• Bridges Help People Cross Rivers (Thank God some genius figured this out for the rest of us!)

• City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells (I’m sure the Brainiac who wrote the last headline can help figure out this perplexing mystery.)

• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Just who did this “study” and just how was it done?)

• Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress Of The Universe (That should keep her busy for a while…)

• Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum (What were they expecting – Gummi Bears???)

• Meat Head Resigns (Some editor just couldn’t resist this headline for an article about a Food Safety administrator’s resignation.)

• Barbershop Singers Bring Joy To School For Deaf (Really??? Somebody really wrote this headline??? Come on…)

Special thanks to my good friend Mac from the UK – he once again supplied me with these gems straight from the depths of the publishing mines. And the really good news is that I saved 15% on my car insurance… no, the really good news is that there are even more for next week’s column! Pull up a heaping dish of crap dip and join us again next week!


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