Hi friends! Reef the fox here with your weekly “Reef’s Report.” Well, Florida Keys, the rumors are true. After four years of campaigning, shameless self-promotion, scream-based lobbying and absolutely no qualifications whatsoever, I am officially retiring from the Best Local Celebrity race.
I know. Devastating.
For four consecutive years, you wonderful people voted for a fox. Not a mayor. Not a musician. Not a television personality. A fox who spends most of his day sleeping, screaming and occasionally crawling into a refrigerator.
And somehow, I kept winning.
To my loyal supporters: thank you. You voted. You shared my campaign posts. You tolerated my political propaganda. Some of you even put my face on signs and carried them around town like this was completely normal behavior. Together, we proved that democracy is a beautiful thing when people make questionable choices.
But after four titles, I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do. Mostly because I never actually set out to do anything. So, after extensive discussions with my campaign manager — also known as my mother — I have decided to step aside.
Which brings me to this year’s human candidates.
You’re welcome.
I know the last four years have been difficult for you. Imagine building an entire career, contributing to your community, developing actual talents and then opening Keys Weekly to discover you’re competing against an animal who eats raw chicken off the floor.
Humbling. But this is your year. The fox is gone. The category has been returned to the humans. Your greatest obstacle has graciously removed himself from consideration.
Please try not to mess this up.
Campaign hard. Make your signs. Call your friends. Shake hands. Kiss babies. Whatever it is human candidates do when they’re no longer staring down the electoral powerhouse that is a 12-pound red fox with zero political experience and a criminally effective social media department.
As for me, retirement looks promising. No speeches. No campaigning. No debates.
Just chicken, air conditioning and the satisfaction of knowing I walked away undefeated.
Four years. Four titles. To everyone who made this ridiculous ride possible, thank you.
And to this year’s candidates, one final time:
You’re welcome.
