What the Stars Have In Store

I’m writing this week’s horoscopes because, in spite of our current climate, I am certain the future will arrive. Faced with fear, we become our worst (looking at you, TP hoarders) and best (health care and grocery store workers) selves. We’ve all been given the gift of time and with that comes the forfeiture of excuses. With our calendars cleared, we can dedicate ourselves fully to the present. Write the book, paint the picture, meditate, plant the garden, send the letter, speak the apology.

The season of the unforeseen is heralded by the arrival of Aries, the first sign of the zodiac and in the Northern Hemisphere, the bearer of spring. It’s a reminder that for every doom, there is a bloom.

Aries
March 21 – April 19

The sun moving into your sign heralds a surge of energy and creativity. Fellow ram and professional eyebrow furrower Samuel Beckett decreed, “To find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now.” In the mess of misfortune we find ourselves in, Aries, what form will your fire forge?

Notable Aries: Suge Knight/
April 19, 1965

Taurus
April 20 – May 20

You prefer a pasture to a pen and this forced confinement may spur feelings of restless resentment. Quiet your hooves and settle yourself, Taurus. The cure for your caginess is a double shot of gratitude, and maybe cake.

Notable Taurus: Calamity
Jane/May 1, 1852   

Gemini
May 21 – June 20

Captivity is an unnatural state for a Gemini and it breeds the all-too-familiar feeling that the grass is greener elsewhere. Rather than imagining where you could be, imagine how you could be of service to those around you. Heed the advice of my wise friend, Lenny, and bloom where you are planted.

Notable Gemini: Ralph Waldo Emerson/May 25, 1803

Cancer
June 21 – July 22

Poet laureate Pablo Neruda wrote, “The days aren’t discarded or collected, they are bees that burned with sweetness or maddened the sting: the struggle continues, the journeys go and come between honey and pain.” In the difficult days to come, Cancer, be on the lookout for honeyed moments. We must suffer the sting to savor the sweetness.

Notable Cancer:
Tom Hanks/July 9, 1956

Leo
July 23 – Aug. 22

Writer Honoré de Balzac cautioned, “The more we judge, the less we love.” I offer this reminder to you, Leo: Your way is not the only way and if you listen rather than lecture you may discover an angle or opinion you hadn’t previously considered.

Notable Leo: J.K. Rowling/
July 31, 1965

Virgo
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Fellow Virgo and all-around curator of kink, Mr. D.H. Lawrence, urged, “Be a good animal, true to your animal instincts.” For Virgos, those instincts are to keep calm amid the chaos of the mind and proceed with measured grace. May the good animal in you shepherd the fearful among us.

Notable Virgo: Mary Shelley/Aug. 30, 1777

Libra
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Were you shortchanged out of a happy childhood, Libra? Consider quarantine the summer camp of your soul. I hereby order you to eat cake for breakfast, shun the tyranny of pants, roller skate through deserted streets, stay up late, sleep in a blanket fort and otherwise bottle-feed
joy to your inner child.

Notable Libra: Lenny Bruce/
Oct. 13, 1925

Scorpio
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

In these trying times, heed the words of fellow scorpion Sylvia Plath: “I remember what this flesh has gone through; I dream of what it may go through.” You’ve seen, and seen yourself through so much, Scorpio. Dream of kinder lessons to come; the latest is only a bruise along the way.

Notable Scorpio: Colin
Kaepernick/Nov. 3, 1987

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

We can’t make more time, archer, but we can ordain how we spend it. As a fire sign you’re tasked with illuminating the shadow parts of life in ways
that comfort and inspire your
fellow man. Be the torch that lights the way.

Notable Sagittarius:
Nostradamus/Dec. 14, 1503

Capricorn
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

With a string of planets currently in Capricorn, you are primed to be the most exalted, powerful version of your sea goat self. Aces, since your level head and rational insights are needed now more than ever. Don’t punish those less rational; practice patience and radical tenderness.

Notable Capricorn:
Muhammad Ali/Jan. 17, 1942

Aquarius
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

In strange times, the world demands strange measures. Lucky for you and the world at large, Aquarius, strange is your dominion. What profound pipe dream, mad scheme or wild invention have you been gestating?

Notable Aquarius: Mozart/
Jan. 27, 1756

Pisces
Feb. 19 – March 20

With hordes of folks depending on you for emotional stability, it is imperative you fortify yourself. I challenge you to engage in one action per day in which you are the sole beneficiary. Masturbate, take a bath, take a drive, drink the last swish of orange juice straight from the container, say no to someone you love.

Notable Pisces: Dr. Seuss/March 2, 1904

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