A meme going around Facebook right now defines a musician as someone who packs $5,000 worth on instruments and equipment into a car worth $500 to play a gig that pays $50. Musicians are quite often not taken seriously… but there are a lot of things musicians don’t take seriously, either. I guess we can call it a wash. So, as punishment for those who take things too seriously, I’m proud to present some serious groaner Musician Jokes.
Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: The savings bond eventually matures.
Q: How can you tell that there’s a singer at your front door?
A: She forgot the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
Q: What to you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Q: What is the difference between a musician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who can play the bagpipes… but doesn’t.
Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, two, one, two…
Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: How do you get two sopranos to sing in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When you lob a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise…”
Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.
And this week’s pièce de résistance (French for “piece of resistance”):
Since the 19th century, rumors about Beethoven having been buried with unfinished symphonies and other musical scores have abounded. Recently, a group of musical historians in Germany won a court ruling that allowed Beethoven to be exhumed so that these scores, if they existed, could be studied among the great composer’s other works.
With the coffin taken from the grave, the historians carefully lifted the lid and found… reams of old paper dotted with musical notes. And Beethoven, with a big eraser in his hand, erasing all those notes off of each page as fast as he could. The historians were aghast. What could Beethoven be doing erasing all the music buried with him in his casket?
Beethoven looked at the historians and said (in German, of course), “What? Are you all a bunch of dumbkoffs? I’ve been dead a long time now. Naturally, I’m decomposing.”