When you put a bunch of football-crazed lunatics together, the hijinks and hilarity don’t stop. With the close of the NFL preseason on Aug. 29, it’s officially time for devout Fantasy Football players to ignore their families, jobs and just about anything else for the next four months, as they fret over athletes they’ve probably never met. With every big-time winner in a league, there’s always a loser. Usually, it’s the guy who hasn’t touched the waiver wire since week 2. And when somebody does that, it’s time to pay. Without further ado, here are our…
TOP 10 FANTASY FOOTBALL PUNISHMENTS FOR LAST-PLACE FINISHERS
10. The 5K: Register for a local road race that ends near a bar. When the gun goes off, league mates start drinking on the loser’s tab. The tab closes once the loser finishes and enters the bar.
9. The Waffle House (IHOP, Denny’s, etc. all count): Enter a breakfast joint and stay for 24 hours. Each waffle consumed knocks one hour off the clock.
8. The Standup: Register for a local open mic night and perform material written entirely by your league. Don’t reveal that it’s a Fantasy Football punishment until the end.
7. The Calendar Shoot: Hire one of our local photographers to shoot a 12-month glamour calendar. Hire Megan Hughes to coach your boudoir poses, and make copies for the entire league.
6. The Public Commenter: Attend a meeting of your local city council, register for public comment and apologize for your lack of Fantasy Football skill. Extra points if you can fill all three minutes before they cut you off.
5. The Billy Madison: Register to retake the SAT or ACT at the local high school. League members tailgate in the parking lot while you test.
4. The Grand Marshal: Enter the Marathon Rotary Club’s Fourth of July parade, seated on a float with a sign that says “I SUCK AT FANTASY FOOTBALL.” League members pass out water balloons to spectators. You get a tennis racket for protection. Good luck.
3. The Hot Date: Take a mannequin or cardboard cutout of a celebrity to a semi-upscale restaurant, and order a three- to five-course meal for both of you. No explanation allowed.
2. The Sombrero Streaker: Make a sign advertising your failure, and stroll down the median near the U.S. 1/Sombrero Beach Road intersection wearing only a Speedo. Minimum sentence: 60 minutes, preferably during rush hour.
- The Letter to the Editor (In effect this year for the Clown Ethics League, featuring multiple Keys Weekly employees): Write a letter to the Keys Weekly, explaining your blunders game-by-game throughout the season and praising the league champion.
