Every six years, a list of certain names will resurface — only major storms’ names will be retired, recused and praise be, thrown out. See ya, Irma! Starting at 39 mph, a disturbance will gain its moniker and be assigned its gender according to the list; it’s ranked a “hurricane” at 74 mph. Sorry Q, U, X, Y, and Z, you guys don’t make the cut—stop smirking, Quentin and Zelda. But, did anyone ever think a name dictated a hurricane’s personality? Duh…The Weekly did and here are our…
Top 10 new hurricane names
10. Pablo: “¿Quieres jugar rudo? De acuerdo. Di hola a mi pequeño amigo.” Comes in Cat 2, lands Cat 4. (You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend.)
9. Jerry: There’s a storm coming, “yada, yada, yada … my boat’s in a tree.” Cat 4. Serenity now, serenity now.
8. Imelda: She’s here for your shoes. Cat 5, no going back.
7. Humberto: Approaches U.S. coastline, turned away at border. Cat 2. Strawberries are now $10 each.
6. Gabrielle: Storm forms just like Gabriel, does as much damage as Gabriel, FEMA pays only 75 cents for every $1 damage Gabriel does. Cat 3. Bernie Sanders will fix this.
5. Fernand: Boy’s name? Girl’s name? Doesn’t matter. Fernand hops and skips across southern states with complete abandon. Cat 5. Back that up, grrrl.
4. Erin: Seems like a cute little breeze but turns into a Cat 4 without notice. Everyone panics, total destruction. Erin blames her Mom.
3. Chantal: Don’t mess with Chantal, she is all that and more. Winds, rain, floods — comes in a Cat 4 with nails out, but she lands a 2 and just tosses around the patio furniture (secretly she’s a sweetheart, but don’t tell Lorenzo).
2. Barry: Organized, on a singular mission, and won’t mess things up too much, a solid clear path of chaos, Cat 1 with minor flooding — enough to keep insurance companies busy.
1. Andrea: Comes with a voiceover from Meryl Streep … Andrea, Andrea. She’s a weak Cat 2 and just sheds a lot of tears/ rain.
For next week?
11. Olga- Bashes coast with heavy rains and wind. Cat 2. Cleaned up fast and efficiently looking better than before storm. Wife seems unreasonably jealous. Those clouds are perky as hell.
Dorian- It’s all about Dorian, Dorian, Dorian, Dorian. Predicted Cat 3, but all huff and puff and no winds, Cat 1 , maybe. Tourists evacuate… locals partyyyyyy.
13. Rebekah – With a K people, Ok?! Kah! K?! Cat 3- loud, last too long and just annoying. Imagine a storm that’s been day drinking chardonnay.
14. Sebastian- A bourgeois Cat 3 that flirts with Puerto Rico and Cuba. He’s just in town for the party, brought his parents’ credit card, gets denied by the reef, downgraded. Whatever, the Keys weren’t that poppin’ anyway, on to New Orleans.
15. Tanya- @#$# this, Tanya, a small but solid Cat 4, shrieks! She’s tossing trailers and houseboats in the air; she pops Fat Albert with a palm tree. We’re gonna need therapy after Tanya visits.
16. Van- Is an Influencer and before he knows what direction to go in, he will figure out what’s trending and crowd source before submitting a social media post. Cat 0, will never fully form.
17. Wendy- Never wants to hurt anybody, ashamed of her own force, Cat 3-4, she will move away barely missing Bahamas and Bermuda. Thanks Wendy!
16. Pablo “De acuerdo. ¿Quieres jugar rudo? De acuerdo. Di hola a mi pequeño amigo.” Comes in Cat 2, lands Cat 4. (You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend.)
17. Rebekah – With a K people, Ok?! Kah! K?! Cat 3- loud, last too long and just annoying.
18. Karen- No nonsense Karen. She wants to speak to management (FEMA). She is predicted to be a Cat 2, becomes a Cat2, stays a Cat2. Semper Fi Karen, Semper Fi.