Seeing the news out of D.C., that fat $1,400 check is starting to burn a hole in your pocket, isn’t it? And you don’t even have it yet. Never fear, we’re here to help:

Top 10 ways to spend your stimulus check in the Keys

  1. You can now afford to pay your bar tab at all the places that have your mugshot hanging on the wall for dashing. 
  1. You can buy groceries twice in one week in the Keys. Just kidding. It’s a stimulus check, not a winning lottery ticket.
  1. Rent an obnoxiously slow vehicle and drive in front of tourists all day. It’s called payback. 
  1. You can finally replace your Christmas lights. We know you won’t take them down, but at least you can add new ones.
  1. Pay a fraction of the $25,000 in credit card debt you accrued during lockdowns. Thanks, Uncle Sam. You’re welcome, Capital One. 
  1. You can finally buy “that part” for your boat and get it out of your yard.
  1. Fill your entire gas tank. 
  1. Buy chicken feed, then in the middle of the night set up feeding stations at the homes of the most active social media trolls in town — you know who they are. 
  1. Health care. Just kidding. It’s a stimulus check. Not a winning lottery ticket. 
  1. Pay to have your Fantasy Fest pictures taken off Porn Hub.

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