The 145th annual Kentucky Derby is met with much fanfare and revelry, two things Key West does best. But while Churchill Downs is known for racehorses with pedigree, we’re, well … horses of a different color. So what might Key West do to rival the Kentucky Derby?
10. Dance-a-thon: Teasers brings down featured dancer “Slack Jaw” from Ocala horse country.
9. The Key West Triple Crown: Champion will pick up trophies at Bourbon Street, 801 and the Island House in one night.
8. Hemingway Cup: Contestants from TDC Board of Directors battle misogyny, alcoholism while looking for a parking spot near Mallory Square.
7. Roosevelt Run: The Florida DOT lines up past Derby winners to see who can traverse a North Roosevelt pedestrian crosswalk without heading to the glue factory.
6. Chug! Teams put wheels on old Cuban chugs and race up the Florida Keys, handing out nose candy and “laundered” U.S. currency in a salute to Americas Border Patrol agents!
5. May the 4th: As the Derby will be held on the hallowed day of Star Wars nerds, Tauntauns will be raced down Duval Street, stopping at pedestrian-only zones to ask what’s going on?
4. Loop Bus Trivia: Mark Hedden will host Loop Bus Trivia at Mary Ellen’s, where contestants in jockey outfits will describe the latest route changes.
3. Vibrator races: Always a local favorite, with money going to local children’s charities, and no one feels awkward at all.
2. DUI Derby: Bet on which friends from neighborhood bar have worst driving records; guess BACs to win, number of DUIs to place.
1. Keytucky Derby: The Mounted Patrol has city commissioners race KWPD horses around Truman Waterfront Park and the first one to get hungry hands out a food truck permit!