Over the years, we’ve witnessed competitors and others copy our ideas, like magazine titles, the actual name of our paper and — most recently — the “timely” release of a new community “best of” awards show. And hey, we didn’t invent sliced bread, and we are, after all, one human family — so we always try to be good sports. Nonetheless, we did begin to think about a few things we hope copycats never attempt to emulate or mimic here in Key West. After all, originality has its merits in the Southernmost City and some things are just better left untouched. With that, we offer:
Top 10 Most Unoriginal Ideas that Should Never Happen in Key West
10. Caffeine “Free” Carl: A slightly shorter and hairier version of Caffeine Carl that doesn’t use swear words and specializes in contemporary adult rock jams from the late ’80s.
9. The Green Ferret Bar: A new bar that serves free popcorn but only plays hits from C & C Music Factory during open hours and subsequently releases non-indigenous ferrets onto the island to bolster T-shirt sales.
8. The Southernmost Joint: A concrete statue on the south end of the island that pays homage to the devil’s lettuce (Come to think of it … we actually like this idea).
7. A speakeasy bar. Stop it, already. Chris Schultz mastered it and has moved on. You should too.
6. The Key West Butterfly and Ladybug Conservatory — pretty much the same thing as the Butterfly and Nature Conservatory, but with lots more ladybugs and less George Fernandez.
5. Phausto’s Food Palace. A new family-owned grocery store with two locations: one on White Street, one on Fleming.
4. HTNA: Historic Tours of North America. Same concept as HTA but they add “North” to their name and then sue the city for not getting permits for dangerous and liable amphibious trollies.
3. FKCC: Florida Keys Clown College. Need we say more?
2. Chastity Fest. A Key West festival that takes place during the last week of every October and celebrates family values, conservatism and boring people. (Pony up TDC, this one will be a hit).
1. The Cuzzies: Worst of Key West. Instead of the Bubbas: Key West People’s Choice Awards, it’s an awards show for the worst people, places and events on the island. Wait, this isn’t such a bad idea (It’s all yours, David Sloan).