Game of Thrones Season 8 is on the horizon and audiences are waiting like hipsters outside an Apple store to get a peek. While the final chapter promises to be the best, the first seven seasons have taught us much about ourselves — and what to expect in the finale. Always here to help, here are …
Top 10 Lessons We’ve Learned from Game of Thrones
- In case of a zombie apocalypse, keep a sword made of Valyrian steel handy. (However, be leery of anyone offering you their “Valyrian steel” during the zombie bike ride).
- Always remember to get your Direwolf registered as a service animal (Call Tammy Fox at the SPCA if you need assistance: 305-294-4857).
- If you’re going to have to do a nude walk of shame through downtown, be sure to starve in a dungeon for a few weeks first. You may be covered in rotten vegetables, but at least you look sexy underneath (this basically sums Landon Bradbury at Fantasy Fest for the past 15 years).
- Whether you’re mayor or queen … always make your lackey try the wine first (this one is for you, Teri Johnston).
- Even in medieval times, it’s always good to groom the nether regions (we still are not sure how they did this without a Gillette handy … but hey, if Jon Snow can groom with a dull dagger, you can surely take the time to do it with a razor).
- Never prematurely gloat over an “inevitable victory” of any kind — especially a campaign or a sword fight. (At least in the former, you get a concession speech instead of your head being popped like a grape).
- Cool people come in exceptionally small and large sizes (Note: Never challenge the smaller people to a wine-drinking contest).
- Do a DNA test and check Ancestry.com before sleeping with anybody, ever. King or not …. eeeewwe (this also applies to: 1. Luke and Leia in the Empire Strikes Back. 2. Anyone you meet at Don’s Place.)
- Happiness inevitably leads to misery. The moment you exhibit happiness of any kind, you will be dead within a day.
- If you don’t have a dragon, you are a loser, capital L on forehead, loooooser. (This is basically the equivalent of having a golfcart in Key West).