Must be nice to pardon people for a variety of infractions big and small. If we only had that kind of authority…
Top 10 Presidential Pardons We Wanted But Didn’t Get
10. Joe Exotic — Offense: animal abuse & attempted murder: The world needed a Tiger King 2 and we missed our chance for more mullets, meth and mayhem.
9. Pete Rose — Offense: bet on baseball & banned from baseball’s Hall of Fame. Rose has more hits than anyone in MLB history and he’s still not in Cooperstown. Look, if Tom Brady can cheat and still be the GOAT, it’s time for MLB to get over their Pete Rose grudge.
8. Martha Stewart — Offense: obstruction of justice relating to securities fraud: More than a dozen members of Congress were caught conducting insider trading at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic. And Martha Stewart is the felon?
7. Keanu Reeves — Offense: bad acting: It’s time to finally pardon Reeves for his acting skills. He’s just too cool and too likable to hate on at this point.
6. Wile E. Coyote — Offense: habitual stalking & harassment / domestic terrorism / possession and intent to use bomb-making materials and IEDs / attempted murder / endangerment of a protected or endangered species. For decades, Wile E. Coyote was consistently caught in the desert of the American Southwest tracking and attempting to catch the famous Road Runner. But if nature shows, trail cams and drones have taught us anything, it is that animal DNA is a slave to instinct. So instead of villainizing this tortured creature, perhaps blame should be placed on the Acme company, which supplied an animal with bombs and illegal weaponry, and you, the viewers, for enabling Mr. Coyote’s behavior from 1966 to 1985.
5. Garth Brooks — Offense: sang “Amazing Grace” at Biden’s Inauguration: If that’s Grace, we don’t want it. (Note: we love some Garth Brooks … just not his rendition of that song). Let’s give the guy a pardon.
4. That Viking Guy who stormed the Capitol — Offense: stormed the U.S. Capitol: We don’t condone what he did, but we want him set free so we can witness him raid a few other public places, such as: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Set, any Capital One commercial with Samuel Jackson and any City Commission / Council meeting that goes past 9 p.m.
3. Johnny Lawrence — Offense: bullying. For decades, Johnny Lawrence has been labeled a bully and an instigator for his actions against Daniel LaRusso. But if Cobra Kai has taught us anything, perhaps it was Daniel who ignited the fires of this rivalry. After all, it was Daniel who threw the first punch at a beach party and it was Daniel who stole the love of Johnny’s life, Ali. And after Daniel defeated Johnny at the All Valley Karate Tournament, Johnny’s life was sent into a spiral of alcoholism and depression.
2. Harry Styles — Offense: broke up Oliva Wilde and Jason Sudekis. We want to pardon Harry Styles. Not for Harry Styles, but on behalf of Jason Sudekis — who is the coolest actor on the planet. Jason will be just fine. You’re pardoned, Harry — now kiss our ass.
1. Los Del Rio — Offense: created the song “Macarena.” In the early ’90s, Los Del Rio created Macarena, which allowed drunk people at weddings, sporting events and junior high dances to believe they could actually dance. The overplayed song became an anthem for bad dancers and horrible DJs across the globe. We move to pardon the band — only because so much bad music has been produced since. It doesn’t seem fair to single these guys out any longer.