We Name the Top 10 Issues More Deserving of a “National Emergency” - A close up of a red brick wall - Brickwork

As most of us know by now (barring those under rocks or still at the Brass Monkey since last weekend), President Donald Trump declared a “national emergency” on Feb. 15, citing the necessity of a Southern border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Trump declared the national emergency since Congress would not approve $5.7 billion in spending for the wall. Chaos has, yet again, ensued (can it “ensue” if it was already happening?). Sixteen states have already moved to sue the Trump administration for unconstitutional use of executive power. Trump says: “I didn’t need to do this, but I’d rather do it much faster.” We at the Weekly were moved to ponder: 

The Top Ten Things More Deserving of a National Emergency (than a border wall)

10. An Oscar Host. Seriously? No host? How about Ellen, Timberlake, the Rock or even those two dorks from the Sonic commercials?

9. Canada: Why all the fuss about Mexico? We think it’s time we shift our focus to the north. Winter is coming. #buildthenorthernwall  

8. Peanut Allergies. They are real. And it’s time we eradicate this once and for all.

7. Mayochup. Yes, the good folks at Heinz cleverly combined ketchup and mayo. We say, “Hell No.” Fighting this horror is worth $5.7 billion, at least.

6. “Influencers.” The social media trend-setters symbolize everything that is wrong in this world (see Frye Festival, opposite).

5. Ja Rule. Why is this dude even relevant anymore? (see Frye Festival, opposite).

4. A world without Whole Foods. (Hint, hint Florida Keys … We also deserve hipster water in a carton).

3. Judd Apatow movies. It’s time we give this guy a time limit.

2. Cardi B and Nicki Minaj. This feud has been more horrifying and seemingly longer-lasting than the feud between the States and Mexico. Plus if we pawn all the extensions ripped out and Louboutins thrown, we might be able to pay for the wall after all. 

1. Presidential Candidacy Kickoff Parties. It’s February 2019. Seriously?

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