For two and a half weeks every two years, viewers around the globe are treated to the pinnacle of human athletic excellence in the winter and summer Olympics. While watching figure skaters lose points for the most minor turn of a blade or seeing inspiring comeback stories of athletes who overcame injuries, it’s tough to remember just how far removed from “normal” these Olympians truly are. That got us thinking: If the Olympics won’t include a “regular guy for reference” in each event, what would the Games look like if they played out in the Florida Keys? Here are our…
TOP 10 SPORTS IN A FLORIDA KEYS OLYMPICS
• Post-sandbar boat driving. (This list is NOT recommended or endorsed by the Keys Weekly or any law enforcement agency.)
• Target shooting. All targets are iguanas.
• Fish cleaning. Points deducted for every bone and blood line.
• Boat docking. Points awarded for speed and a clean approach, deducted for property damage or screaming at your passengers.
• Manatee rodeo (we reiterate – NOT endorsed by FWC).
• That hook-and-ring-toss bar game. You know the one.
• Walking in fins on a rocking boat.
• Roadside sobriety tests.
• Swimming. (All races conducted with one hand holding a margarita out of the water. Spills = disqualification.)
• E-bike racing. Points deducted (or added?) per pedestrian struck.
• Chicken wrangling (add the SPCA to the not-endorsed-by list).
