Just when you think Florida can’t possibly out-do itself, an overachiever comes along to keep the Sunshine State atop the national clown circus rankings. A recently proposed Florida Senate Bill, SB 932, would ban drivers from holding a dog in their laps and/or prohibit a dog from extending its head or other parts of the body outside of a moving vehicle. We understand highway safety and fully endorse any measures that embrace the welfare of animals. The bill does ban the inhumane declawing of cats and requires the state to create an online registry of Floridians convicted of animal abuse, which we fully endorse, but we do question how and why this measure was proposed—especially when there are so many other viable items Florida should consider banning before barring Scruffs the dog from feeling the wind in his face. So here are…
Top 10 other items Florida should consider banning
10. Alex Murdaugh. Whether he is convicted or not, can we ban him in Florida?
9. Seatbelt laws. We endorse wearing seatbelts. But when you get pulled over for not wearing one and you witness 20 scooters pass you by without helmets (and some with an infant riding on the seat with dad), it calls into question the sincerity of the seatbelt law. So before we tell our dogs to stick their heads back in the window, perhaps we can get children off of scooters without helmets. (Note: Everyone at the Weekly wears their seatbelts.)
8. Conspiracy theories. Perhaps there should be a law that fines people who pump out and regurgitate ridiculous conspiracy theories (or reports them as facts) without any proven basis. This would also eliminate about 90% of social media threads.
7. Banning books. You don’t need a deep dive into history to understand how and why books have been banned in other countries, but here we are in modern America debating whether “To Kill a Mockingbird” should be in school libraries. Here’s a friendly reminder that “The Handmaid’s Tale” was a cautionary narrative — not a blueprint for democracy.
6. Bicyclists who don’t stop at stop signs. We haven’t fully researched this, but there is a growing consensus that believes bicyclists who choose to behave like a car (as in, driving on the road) should observe the same laws as automobiles. And even if the law doesn’t require you to pump the bike brakes at a four way, wouldn’t it be in your best interest?
5. “Farmer Wants a Wife.” There is a new reality show in which an American farmer must choose a wife from a group of eligible women. We’re going to stop right there. If you want our dogs to keep their heads out of the cool breeze, then we demand shows like this be banned in homes where the average IQ is over 75.
4. The “Griddy” dance. If you are not scoring touchdowns or dunking a basketball, there is really no reason for you to break out the Griddy. Grocery stores, church and your doctor’s waiting room is no place for the Griddy.
3. Mayochup. Yes, this is Heinz’ mayonnaise and ketchup mixture that coincidentally appeared right around the time everyone started getting their medical marijuana cards. But even stoners can make the effort to purchase two separate bottles of condiments without embracing this abomination.
2. Complaining about the Super Bowl Halftime Show on social media: We get it. You were so offended by Rhianna’s risqué performance at the Super Bowl that you boldly demanded everyone boycott the rest of the game (which you didn’t). Here’s the problem with the people complaining about the halftime show: They were all surfing porn later that night. And we bet not one of them ever had an issue with Faith Hill dancing around during the beginning of Monday Night Football.
1.Cats who stick their heads out of moving vehicles. The current proposed bill seems extremely prejudiced against dogs.
