If you’ve lived in the Keys for any considerable amount of time, you pride yourself on certain things. For example, after a while, the no-see-ums miraculously stop biting your ankles, your alcohol tolerance reaches levels only an elephant could achieve and the intense summer heat becomes somehow bearable for outside activities. Until now. For more than a week, the heat pressure and suffocating humidity have reached record levels in the Florida Keys, with the index (or real feel) reaching up to 110 degrees on certain afternoons. Locals have settled for indoor activities and constant showers, as simple walks to the mailbox require a Mars space rover and an immediate shower to rinse the sweat. Always here to help, here are our…
Top 10 Signs It’s Too Hot in the Florida Keys
10. You need oven mitts to drive the golf cart.
9. In a desperate plea for relief, instead of “thoughts and prayers,” local leaders have requested more “Tito’s and ice” from the state.
8. Your catch is already cooked by the time you reel it in.
7. Mangos are melting off the trees.
6. You overheard someone accusing the DOJ of weaponizing the weather against South Florida.
5. Liberals have been so hot they offered Hunter Biden as a human sacrifice to the gods to end the heat’s wrath. (And privately admitted that maybe he’s not the best dude, after all.)
4. Conservatives have been so hot they took the week off from “canceling” Bud Light, Target, Cracker Barrel, drag queens, Chick-fil-A, Amy Grant, CNN, HBO, Karl Rove, Disney, Legos, Mrs. Marvel, The Little Mermaid, sex ed, social media, Wrangler Jeans, Sesame Street, Oreos, Megyn Kelly, history, Harry Potter, evolution, Dr. Fauci, Campbell’s, climate change, Apple and books.
3. You haven’t gone through this many pairs of underwear since that time you drank the water in Mexico.
2. The Keys Weekly broke a story about the county losing copious amounts of fentanyl and other drugs and everyone was too hot to give a shit.
1. The TDC’s new slogan is “Come as you are … leave medium-well.”
