JOHN BARTUS: NEW YEAR PREDICTIONS, PART 2

Having left off halfway into the New Year last week, we’ll pick up straight away with…

July: America will celebrate its independence as the Sigma variant of COVID-19 spreads like fireworks in the sky, infecting all those who still haven’t gotten ill yet. Sadly, like other variants, many who are infected will never know they had COVID. Fourth booster shots will become available, but people will still doubt the science. Political campaigns will start ratcheting up. Local chicken restaurants, citing supply chain issues, begin “harvesting” fowl from local flocks.

August: It will be hot as Hell. As we get closer to the primary election on Aug. 23, broadcast airwaves and pop-up messages will totally consist of campaign commercials touting Ron DeSantis for president. (Really — it’s just a matter of time.) In the “new way” of doing things, candidates who lose their elections will claim that the vote was rigged — and then will do nothing that resembles adult or civilized behavior, much less prove that the vote was rigged.

September: It will (still) be hot as Hell. The staff at the National Hurricane Center, completely exhausted because they’re already on the “T” name (Tobias), issues a release stating that they are so happy they gave up the Greek alphabet to be used as COVID variant identifiers. In an amazing coincidence, the Upsilon variant spreads through the local chicken population. 

October: The election season really heats up as positions from city council to senator are up for grabs. New Jersey resident Dr. Oz stakes his claim for a Senate seat in Pennsylvania (I am not making this up). Network television programming is canceled as stations choose to air campaign commercials exclusively — “All Politics, All The Time.” Cable news outlets feature multiple-member panels of talking heads who bloviate incessantly about issues of which they have limited knowledge. (Actually, this is not a new development.) And Halloween becomes the second scariest date in 2022, falling second to Election Day.

November: As Hurricane Walter wreaks havoc on the shipping lanes in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, Election Day comes and goes. Candidates win. Candidates lose. (If you think I’m going to predict election outcomes, well…) The world goes on through the butthurt of election loss. Millions of viewers turn on their TVs for the first time since summer, finally free of election advertising. Keys residents beg for their first cold front. And the Psi variant of COVID spreads like chicken pox through the local iguana population.

December: The holidays can’t come quickly enough for a nation in need of a little Peace on Earth. Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is named Best Christmas Song of All Time. Mariah Carey, as well as the estates of Bing Crosby and Nat “King” Cole, file suit. In a related story, Wham’s “Last Christmas” is named Worst Christmas Song of All Time. As the year draws to a close, the Omega variant of COVID lurks on the horizon…

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It’s very exciting that the Old Seven Mile Bridge is now open! A lot of people did a lot of work to make this happen, and it’s just good to have it back for our residents and visitors. 

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Long term tenants and visitors to the Town Square Mall were recently saddened by the loss of Noel, a really sweet guy known for his pickup truck and his cute little pooch, Tiburoncito. I’m sure that Noel and his beloved dog are reunited somewhere, riding around in a brand new truck. Rest in Peace, Noel.

– Catch John Mondays at Boondocks, Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Key Colony Inn, Thursdays at Sparky’s Landing, and Fridays on Facebook Live. Music available wherever you get your streaming.  www.facebook.com/john.bartus

Very few towns or cities could ever claim that their Mayor was a smokin' hot guitar player. The island city of Marathon in the Florida Keys is one of those towns. While politics is a temporary call to service, music is a life sentence. John Bartus, a more-than-four-decade full-time professional musician, singer, and songwriter, continues to raise the bar with his groundbreaking solo acoustic show. It’s easy to catch John on one of his more than 200 shows a year throughout the Keys on his Perpetual Island Tour. His CD releases include After The Storm, Keys Disease 10th Anniversary Remaster, and Live From the Florida Keys Vol. 2. John’s music is available wherever you download or stream your music.