I have a problem, an addiction, you could say.
I watch entirely too much true crime — Dateline. 48 Hours. 20/20. And that’s just the start of it.
There’s “Fatal Destinations,” “The Real Murders on Elm Street,” and a host of similar shows from the UK. (For some reason, the most macabre murders sound even more sinister when described in an English accent.)
The extent of my “hobby” revealed itself the other night in a Walmart parking lot, of all places.
The first thought that occurred to me upon entering the giant superstore up in Melbourne was: “I’m on camera this entire time — out in the parking lot; inside the entrance foyer while greeting the greeter; among the aisles perusing a jacket I didn’t need and a/c filters that I did; and up to the self checkout, where I couldn’t for the life of me find the a/c filter’s bar code.
And then back out to my car. Casinos not withstanding, Walmart must have one of the best commercial security systems in the country. Hell, there’s an entire genre of YouTube videos dedicated to the store’s surveillance footage. (Some of which are admittedly hilarious).
So it never ceases to amaze me when a suspected killer treats Walmart as his one-stop homicide shop — and yes, it’s always a man. I’m not saying all killers are male. But the ones stupid enough to buy an entire murder kit at their local neighborhood Walmart, are men. And they all typically do their suspicious shopping around 2 a.m., apparently thinking no one will see them at that hour. No one but the all-seeing cameras, that is. Oh, and let’s not forget their penchant for paying with a CREDIT CARD.
The Walmart cameras — and later the homicide detectives — watch the suspect literally pre-meditate his crime in high-def.
Gloves, check.
Stocking cap, check.
Hammer, check.
Knife, check.
Duct tape, check.
Blue tarp, check.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, these suspects rarely think ahead to consider what happens after the murder, because dammit if they don’t return to the exact same Walmart the next day, this time buying bleach, a bucket and whatever else they think will clean up blood and evade Luminol. No wait, Luminol doesn’t even cross their mind.
So, after leaving Walmart with my a/c filters the other night, I sat in my car in the parking lot and started typing ideas for this column on my phone, still keenly aware that I was STILL on camera, and my car was highly visible with its headlights AND interior lights illuminated.
If only the actual criminals considered such things, the cops may be in a tougher spot. But for now, I suppose it’s a good thing we don’t have many Rhodes scholars whacking their wives for life insurance money.
