10. The first one was fun when just Adam celebrated it, but then Eve came along and was all, “That’s what you’re serving your guests?” and “I hope you’re going to clean up the hut first.” It was never the same after that.

9. Because men would forget what day it falls on.

8. Because we couldn’t find anyone willing to organize it, so we decided to just rule the world instead.

7. Because it already occurs every Sunday during the NFL season.

6. The already-high rate of DUIs, strip joint bar tab denials and foot shootings preclude this event.

5. That’s how Incels got started. We’re just too full of bad ideas.

4. Because men would never buy into the idea and only see it as an elaborate trap set by wives and girlfriends waiting to see who has the balls to celebrate themselves when over a dozen projects around the house remain incomplete.

3. Old, white, rich guys can’t get a break.


2. Because men would immediately trade out their own day to abolish Valentine’s Day.

1. Everyday should be Women’s Day. (Better put that one in all caps. Wait…they’ll think we’re up to something, fellas. Oh jeez, here she comes…”Nothing, honey.”)

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