Pat Benatar said it best, love is a battlefield. So this week at The Weekly we decided to share some sage advice for all of you out there attempting to make that love connection.

No matter what, first dates seem unavoidable, so here’s our list of things perhaps one should NOT tell a first date in the Keys.

By Hays Blinckmann

“I think I have dated most of the bartenders in town.”

“I lived for a while on Smathers Beach; wasn’t that bad.”

“It’s hard to sleep at the jail because the animals make so much noise at night.”

“My third wife was a Conch, so that kind of makes me one too.”

“I’m going to run for mayor some day.”

“Captain Tony had the best outlook on love, kids, marriage.”

“I don’t know why but I always end up at Bourbon Street at 4 a.m.”

“That’s my favorite gas station food; I eat there every day.”

“I never wear clothes during Fantasy Fest.”

“I’ve only been in the crime report once.”

“I love how I can put my cat in a stroller and take him to a restaurant.”

NEVER reference degrees of Kevin Bacon and then say “We all just wait our turn here in Key West.”

Anything about your mom and your date in the same sentence.

“I think Donald Trump makes the most sense when…”

Top 10 Dating No-Nos

By Gabriel Sanchez

They say “love comes when you least expect it,” but after trying to figure out this dating thing for about as long as Taylor Swift has been making terrible music (I know, it feels like forever), I’ve come to accept that I know nothing. Nothing helpful at least. Except for exactly what NOT to do. And since dating has always been my number two “thing I’m terrible at,” just behind remembering to put the seat down, the Weekly decided I could lend lovestruck locals some advice by saying: don’t do as I do.

Hit the watering hole so often you develop prescription beer goggles.

Call your ex at 2 a.m. to rehash “what went wrong.” Some people work in the morning. Call at midnight.

Start a Plenty of Fish account (the quality of options is typically on the lower rung of the online dating scene) and message every account you think isn’t a crazy cat lady or Nigerian Princess. Love comes when you least expect it.

Buy a boom box and stand outside your crush’s window late at night blaring “Despacito.”

Sign up to for a charity dating auction. You’ll get secretly disappointed when the drunk older woman who “bought you” decides not to take you out. Thanks for nothing, Ethel!

Forget Valentine’s Day, their birthday, or your anniversary and make rash gift decisions on the fly.

Do the Hanky Panky where it’s sandy.

Change your significant other’s name to “Blockbuster” in your contacts and forget to change it back.

Convince your tourist fling that Anne’s, Sombrero, and Smather’s Beaches are clothing-optional.

Call them diamonds and know they’re cubic zirconia. You can’t tell the difference. She can.

Bonus: Give her a “love coupon booklet” for Valentine’s Day. It’s 110 percent guaranteed to end in a fight AND with you rubbing her feet for an hour. You’ve been warned.

Hays Blinckmann is an oil painter, author of the novel “In The Salt,” lover of all things German including husband, children and Bundesliga. She spends her free time developing a font for sarcasm, testing foreign wines and failing miserably at home cooking.