12 tips from a local about ‘the big one’

I’ve just hit the quarter-century mark of living in the Keys. In that time, I’ve experienced Hurricane Georges, Hurricane Wilma and now Hurricane Irma, plus a spate of some very fantastic hurricane parties that have wiped the other, lesser storm names from the memory bank. That said, there was not one scintilla of doubt that my family and I would evacuate for Hurricane Irma in 2017. And I would not have guessed, before the storm, how many of my “newish” friends had absolutely no clue what to do if a hurricane headed this way. And while advice from officials is helpful for the major decisions, like when to leave, it cannot meet the more specific advice from neighbors and old timers:

1. Read this guide. From cover to cover. That’s step one. Don’t assume anything about an approaching storm, no matter how much it “looks like” another historical hurricane. Each storm is different, will approach from a different angle, have higher wind speed, or slower forward motion. Take every precaution possible, regardless of what may have happened “last time.” After that, make every family decision based on the needs of the most vulnerable — whether that’s the aunt with the hip replacement or a newborn.

2. Get the car tuned up at the beginning of hurricane season and make sure it’s road worthy — brakes, tires, etc. If it’s not, put one of the rental car places on speed dial, because the cars will be rented very, very quickly. Or make advance arrangements with a friend to drive out an “extra” vehicle. If you’re leaving a vehicle behind, park it away from the ocean and on high ground. (Ask a local, they have all the best spots scoped out.)

3. When the storm starts brewing, even if it’s a thousand miles away, start cleaning up the yard and bringing in the breakables. Then get the shutters ready — make sure they all open and close (accordion shutters) or that you know EXACTLY where the mustache clips are (panel shutters). I stack mine below the windows until they are ready to deploy.

4. Call your doctors’ offices immediately and get extra prescriptions to take with you. Call the veterinarian’s office and be sure you have paperwork that says your pets’ shots are up to date. If you wait too long, the doctors will be gone. By the way, how are your pets’ crates going to fit in the car? Do you even have a crate?

5. Gather all your important papers and family photos. Take them with you. I don’t hear anybody saying they wished they saved grandmother’s ceramic farm animals. If a bad storm hits, everyone suddenly gets very practical about what can and what cannot be replaced.

6. Turn off the electric to the house at the panel. Turn off the water to the house at the meter. Empty the refrigerator of everything and wedge it open. Some folks’ worst Irma nightmares involve the smell of rotting food; unimaginably bad.

7. Put it up. Put it up as high as you can. It’s better to stack stuff on shelves attached to the wall than furniture that might float and tip over if water comes in. If you have a dryer that vents to the outside, or a window a/c unit, do your best to cover those holes, too. Mitigate the storm surge with flood shutters. That can be as simple as a piece of plywood on the lower half of the door to slow the water’s entry. During Irma, locals went nuts with spray foam and duct tape and Gorilla Glue; you should, too.

8. If you’re evacuating for a hurricane, there’s no need to stock up at the grocery store. Some extra water, some extra pet food and a few extra gas cans are enough to get you out of harm’s way. The other supplies can be purchased on the mainland as you return, which is a safer bet than stashing them in your Florida Keys home, which may have washed away. (But if your destination is a public shelter, you will need to bring supplies. See page 22.)

9. It’s not a bad idea to evacuate with the chain saw and the generator. Post-storm, these will be your most valuable tools; don’t risk them getting ruined in flood waters. Personally, I am never returning to the Keys after a Category 3 or higher storm without a piece of heavy equipment. I’m too damn old to clear the yard with hand tools.

10. Got a boat? Get it out of here. Sail it out, motor it out or drive it out. Boats and hurricanes don’t play well together. If that’s impossible, pull it out and place it on a trailer in the most secure location. Tie the trailer to an immovable object, then pray. If you don’t have a trailer, secure the boat with extra spring lines and pray extra hard.

11. Take photos of everything before you leave. Every. Thing. Every. Angle.

12. Save some money. These suckers are expensive.

Coming back early? That’s your choice. Even if power has been restored to most of the Keys, that doesn’t mean your house will necessarily have juice. Bring a five-gallon bucket with a pool noodle split lengthwise to cushion the blow of not pooping on an American Standard toilet that is designed for your butt. And bring a portable A/C and small generator to run it. Bring everything else you need, as well, like groceries and drinking water and hygiene products and bug spray. Bring a sense of humor, too. Sometimes there’s little to accomplish in the first few days with limited resources.

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