The head elf himself is getting ready for his yearly world tour, and last-minute letters are flying into the North Pole (clearly some people are forgetting about supply chain delays). To ease the load on the big man, the Weekly managed to snag a couple letters from grownups here in the Keys on their way up north.* Here’s what we found:
*Action authorized through special arrangement with U.S. elf representatives. Tampering with mail is a federal felony.
KEY WEST
Dear Santa,
My Command Philosophy is “People First, Mission Always,” meaning the wellness of our people will define the readiness of our mission. So for the holidays every year, I wish for our people’s safety, health and well-being over everything else.
Now for me personally, Santa, I would like unlimited scuba dive time, always getting a bite when I’m fishing, waves in Key West that I could surf, Duval Crawls that always end well, and the world’s largest chew toy for my best friend, Kai.
For 2022, I wish for the folks here at Naval Air Station Key West to have a safe and exciting year hosting training for our nation’s finest service members. I also hope we continue enhancing our positive relationship with this great Florida Keys community.
Mele Kalikimaka!
Capt. Mark “Soho” Sohaney
Commanding Officer
Naval Air Station Key West
Dear Santa,
I hope you and Mrs. Claus, along with your crew of jolly elves at the North Pole, are in good health. In spite of this year’s challenges, the holiday spirit is very present and alive in the Florida Keys as we eagerly await your arrival on Christmas Eve.
Houses and businesses are decorated with festive holiday displays. Holiday parades have returned in our communities and many organizations have hosted events to help you collect toys and raise funds for our underrepresented kids and families.
As you finalize your Naughty and Nice list and your elves prepare your sleigh with toys and gifts, I ask that you add a few more items for your trip to the Florida Keys:
First, please bring comfort and peace to families who have endured so much during this pandemic. Second, please recognize the strength and endurance of our teachers and staff in our schools who tirelessly teach, encourage and motivate our students. And third, please continue to strengthen and empower our Take Stock in Children students and their amazing mentors, coaches, and supporters who guide them through middle and high school and make their college and career dreams a reality.
On Christmas Eve, I’ll leave you a café con leche with one sugar (Mrs. Claus said you need to cut back on your sugar), a bag of Key lime cookies for you, and some carrots for your reindeer, too. You are always welcome to hang out for a few days after Christmas, though, to relax and enjoy all of the treasures of the Florida Keys.
I’m sure the North Pole is a magical and wonderful place; but I’m sure you agree our chain of islands dipping south into the Gulf and the Atlantic is simply paradise.
Thank you, Santa!
Chuck Licis-Masson
Dear Santa:
First, it took me a lifetime, but I finally get it. You don’t bring two gifts for those of us who also have a Christmas birthday. Parents and family are responsible for the birthday present and you just do Christmas. Got it!
As for what I need for Christmas, how about the following:
For the last 20 months, I have endured hundreds of hours on Zoom, GoToMeeting, Teams, FaceTime, Skype and other digital platforms. Can you please make them go away? If you can’t do that, then at least find a way to get me my flu shot and my COVID-19 shot using these same platforms. If these platforms are so good, surely you can get them to find a way to give me my shots. And Santa, I know you are a busy man, but with all of the supply chain issues, I fear you will not be able to get any of our gifts in time for Christmas. Here is my tip to make your life less complicated: Send everyone digital/cyber gifts. If we don’t like them we can just delete them or regift them by forwarding them to our unsuspecting friends.
One more thing, thanks and Merry Christmas!
Jonathan Gueverra
Dear Santa,
First, a word of warning: when you come to the Florida Keys this year, make sure Rudolph’s nose is super bright. Key West’s airport now has some 60 commercial flights in and out every day. Combine that with Boca Chica’s military flights, and air traffic around the Keys can be hazardous, especially for an 1870s-era sleigh propelled by nine reindeer, that, as far as I can tell, has only one light: Rudolph’s nose.
I won’t ask for much, Santa, because I get to live in the fabulous Florida Keys. So, I really have all that anyone could ever want: wonderful friends, warm and generous neighbors, amazing weather, a vibrant economy, and, of course, breakfast at Harpoon Harry’s.
But, Santa, there is one thing that I really do want for Christmas. In my principal job, I try to advance the cause of justice. And, in my other job, I play rock and roll on the radio. While these two roles rarely intersect, there is a grave rock and roll injustice, that, Santa, I’m afraid only you can correct.
Simply put, all I want for Christmas is for Jimmy Buffett, the Monkees, and Joe Cocker to all be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I’m sure you’ll agree their continued omission is a horrible injustice.
So, please get them inducted this year.
Oh, and while you’re at it, it’d be great if, next year, the Florida Gators could win national championships in basketball, baseball, and yes, even football. I realize this may be a heavy lift. But, you’re Santa! I’ve seen that bag of yours chock full of iPhones, flat screen TVs, PlayStation consoles and Teslas. You’re used to heavy lifts.
Thanks so much, Santa. Merry Christmas. And, Go Gators!
Ed Scales
Dear Santa,
I hope you and Mrs. Claus are doing well. As you probably know, my family has already exchanged gifts because Hanukkah came early this year. So, I am hoping you can share some gifts for our friends and neighbors instead. Here is my wish list:
Mayor Teri Johnston: a few more meetings to attend in 2022.
Fire Chief Alan Averette: a new fire station on Kennedy Drive.
Finance Director Mark Finigan: A few more years working for the City.
City Manager Patti McLauchlin: Some great new employees who love the city of Key West!
Key West High School Principal Larry Schmiegel: No gifts needed – he already has a Kaufman child attending KWHS.
My wife: More patience and understanding for me.
But seriously speaking…
This has been a tough year for many. So the best gift we could receive would be for good health, happiness and success for our friends, family and neighbors here in Key West.
Many are struggling to find affordable housing. I would be so grateful for the successful development of hundreds of new truly affordable housing units in our amazing city.
For food for our local families and especially the children.
For all the dogs, cats and small critters at the FKSPCA to be adopted.
For clean water so we can have a beautiful environment for us all to treasure.
For city leadership continuing to work effectively together. And for no tax increases!
Happy and healthy holidays to all!
Sam Kaufman
Key West CIty Commissioner
Dear Santa,
As an elected official, this is sort of awkward for me. The State of Florida has strict laws about receiving gifts, so I would really appreciate it if you keep the value of mine under $100. To avoid having the Florida Commission on Ethics perceive this as a quid pro quo, I want to make it perfectly clear to the public that I will not waive your taxes. Everyone has to pay, Santa. As a matter of fact, I actually made a list of some things that I do not want.
I definitely DO NOT want:
- A boat
- An Xbox that my wife would never find out about
- iPhone 13 Pro Max with 256GB
- Some crypto stock
JUST KIDDING!
In all seriousness, what I would really like for Christmas is to see smiles from ear-to-ear on all the children and families in our community. Please make sure their Christmas is extra special this year. I would also like to see everyone unite and treat each other with love and kindness.
Please bring holiday cheer to our servicemen and servicewomen stationed around the world who cannot be with their families this holiday, and please watch over all of our law enforcement personnel and first responders while you navigate your sleigh over our chain of islands.
If you become tired during your flight, please act responsibly and sleep at one of the houses you stop by for a few hours – just be sure to give me the address where you decide to stay so that I can make sure the property owner is compliant with their tourist development tax account.
Respectfully,
Sam C. Steele, CFC
Constitutional Tax Collector
Monroe County, Florida
MARATHON
Dear Santa,
This year some of what I want are the same things I ask for every year: less poverty and more peace, health and happiness.
I have 2 big requests, not just for me but for everyone. First, we have all been dealing with the mental, physical and health consequences of COVID. While eradication may not be possible, my biggest wish is that COVID becomes an illness that is one of the more common illnesses that we don’t worry too much about. I have seen not just the health consequences but the mental health consequences for our children and their families. I guess what I am really looking for is healing. I know we can’t blame COVID for all the problems in the world, but maybe, if you find it in your heart to gift me this, we may all begin to heal.
Second, I know you don’t involve yourself with politics; however, what I want is not political. I wish that we, as a country, get back to America first and not choose a political side. Politics has found its way into areas it should not be. Please take the politics out of health and science, out of environmental concerns, and out of our schools. I really believe that if you can give this gift your “Good List” will quadruple in size.
I really don’t want anything for myself this year, so if you can find a way to give me these gifts, I would be very grateful and promise to continue to remain on your “Good List.”
Love,
Mindy Conn
My Dearest Santa Claus,
As you well know, I have been a Very Good Girl almost all year long, so please sit back and take a good hard look at my wish list! For the county, may we please have 1.8 billion dollars for infrastructure projects? Now, as for my personal want list … let’s start with my need for a plane so I can bebop up and down the county faster. Just think of how many more places I could be in a day if I could fly! Of course, I’ll need a pilot too. As you know I have extra room in my closet, so a few new outfits with matching shoes (you know my size) would be greatly appreciated!
Santa, is there any way I can get an extra hour or so a day? I really would love to spend more time with my family, Mallory and Michael, and my friends!
Thank you, Santa, for all the love and gifts you bestow on everyone in the Fabulous Florida Keys! I’ll have your cookies and eggnog ready!
Fondly,
Michelle Lincoln Coldiron
County Commissioner, District 2
Dear Santa.
With the current complications with mail I’m sending my list in this wonderful publication! Due to supply chain issues I’m happy to settle for cash or winning lottery tickets! You kind of owe me one because in 1988 I asked you for a Nintendo game system. There must’ve been a mixup at the North Pole because you brought it but it was addressed to my older brother, so I rarely ever got to play it. I also ask you to help our customers to be patient and polite to all of us working hard during this holiday season. We are all doing our best! Merry Christmas and fly safe!
Love,
Cheddar
Bartender, Overseas Pub & Grill
P.S. Andy Sharf would like to know if Red Ryder makes an assault rifle? If so, he’ll take one of those!
Dear Santa,
Hello from Chris, Robyn, Riley and Harris at The Tackle Box. Life has been good in the “bait and tackle world” and we have enjoyed helping your “Elves” with “stocking stuffers.” Since life has been so good, we wanted to write you this letter to ask you for a few things that would make life good for others. It was hard to decide what we wanted to ask, but we narrowed it down to two things that affect a lot of people in the Keys.
Before we started writing we thought long and hard about the years since we last wrote. We came to the conclusion that we have been pretty good (well, most of the time) and should be on your “nice list”.
One thing we wanted to ask you for is help with providing affordable housing in the Keys. Please help so we can keep families in the Keys and so we can have affordable places for workers and their families to be able to live in the Keys.
On a less serious note, can you please, please, please block all of those calls to our cell phones warning us about our vehicle warranties? And how about those calls letting us know we have won awards/prizes for contests we never entered? And junk emails we block but seem to multiply?
Finally, we just wanted to thank you for all the wonderful, magical years! We will wave at you when you ride through the neighborhood on the fire truck!
Merry “Fish”mas!!
Chris, Robyn, Riley & Harris Still
Dear Santa,
The residents of Key Colony Beach have been very good this year! So, I have a few things I want to ask you to bring them.
First, the completion of our storm water projects to protect our precious inshore waters. Second, as I sit in my office making this list, my chair keeps rolling away from my desk because the trailer that serves as our City Hall is sinking into the ground and my door swings closed by itself (sometimes that’s a good thing!). Our residents have been patiently waiting since Irma ravaged our city for a new City Hall. … I know it might be a tight fit for the sleigh but we would be forever grateful if you could squeeze it in.
And perhaps the most important gift: please bring peace and joy to all the residents of Key Colony Beach as we are all one big extended family.
Thank you in advance for making these Christmas wishes come true for KCB. As for me and my wish list, I have all I need with my love Kimberly and our little Maggie. We can’t forget Harley, either, who crossed the rainbow bridge last January. They are my heart and joy.
Thank you, Santa, for all you do!
David Turner
City Administrator
Key Colony Beach
Dear Santa.
I would love to be a fly on the wall in your North Pole headquarters as you plan your annual trip around the world this year. Are you concerned about billionaire spacecraft crashing into you? Do you have to have a COVID test to drop off presents in certain countries? Is Rudolph’s nose a little different shade of red because of his vaccine? I’m telling you it’s gotta be tough to be you!
When you get to the good old US of A are you anxious about coming down the chimneys of families whose Christmas card is a small militia? Did the elves have supply chain issues? I understand that requests are down this year because everyone has so much cash from the government, they just don’t need anything anymore!
Yes sir, it’s gotta be tough to be you! But I don’t care how tough you have it, it’s your job to bring presents to all good little boys and girls and I am going to hold you to it. This year I want you to bring the gift of laughter back to us all. We need it desperately. Not laughter from making fun of people or hurting people. Bring us the genuine smile, joy and laughter of innocent little children. Those who see the world as we all once did. Santa, your own “Ho Ho Ho” is a panacea, and we need it now more than ever before.
Love,
Josh Mothner
Realtor, Coldwell Banker Schmitt
Dear Santa,
You know as well as anyone that it’s been a wild year. A few ups, lots of downs and frightening situations. However, as we keep moving forward, we seem to be doing much better. Our little island town is bustling once again. Me and mine are healthy, happy and looking forward to a new, exciting and positive year. If you had any part in it, thanks for that, and especially thanks for the upcoming completion of the Old Seven Mile Bridge, not only for us but for everyone. That was a biggie. I think your time would be better spent grabbing a beer at Castaway or a taco at Sparky’s instead of stopping by Pigeon Key this year. We’re good out here.
Thanks, Santa. Love the suit.
P.S. If you’re looking for a side hustle the rest of the year, we’re hiring.
Kelly McKinnon
Executive director, Pigeon Key Foundation
[Dictated, not read]UPPER KEYS
Dear Santa,
I hate to be a nudge, but where’s my pony? Aside from a few regrettable moments, I have stayed off the naughty list and hope you will deliver this year. And please don’t say my pony is sitting on a container ship somewhere in the middle of the ocean or that you’ve had a lack of workforce elves, because surely the North Pole is exempt from such struggles. In fact, if you have some elves to spare, the Keys have endless margaritas, a fine atmosphere of community, and many job openings for them to choose from. Given elves’ diminutive size and tendency to live in forests, I’m sure we’ll even be able to work around the housing issue.
If there are truly no ponies or elves to be had though, I ask that you rustle up some of that holiday magic and give health, happiness, wisdom and rest to all those in our community. And a few more long cold fronts too, please.
— Kate Banick
Dear Santa,
Dougie here from Thunder Country 100. Please forgive me for not writing to you in a while, like 40 years or so. What I would like for Christmas this year are just a few things; one thing is to help educate people driving out there somehow some way about not being left lane lollygaggers! The left lane is to make a pass and then get out of the way for others. Please, Santa, help with that. And I would love to see all the folks out there struggling right now not to have to struggle anymore. Chase away the corona and all its variants for us too. Maybe you could get the “Heat Miser” on that for us.
Please help my pit bull, Hooker, get over all his allergies. Maybe you have a special remedy or a North Pole potion for that. And my biggest wish would be to see everyone get along out there and be nice to others and live by the golden rule , “do unto others as you would wish them to do unto yourself.”
Thank you, Santa. God bless and praying and hoping for your safe journey around the world on the 24th. I’ll be leaving you a hot toddy and some cookies.
Oh, and P.S. maybe let the Bills win just one Super Bowl before I die. PLEASE, PLEASE
— Dougie Hitchcock
Dear Santa
It would be great if we could have a mayoral dance-off at the next Mayors’ Ball, something to spice up the event. Maybe also a sing-off … with a Gong Show overlay. Jason Koler could man the gong.
At the risk of being greedy, I’d also like Mayor David Rice and Past Mayor Commissioner Michelle Coldiron to open the show with a duet. That would be really great … something fun, like a good Grease song.
Beyond that, my big ask: if you could, please, maybe find some extra kindness dust in your bag or lying around the workshop. We could all do with a few extra dashes of kindness this year … especially for the Mayoral Dance-Off.
If anyone can do it, you can,
— Stephanie Scuderi
Dear Santa,
What a year it’s been! (But you know that.) Composing a letter to Santa isn’t easy, it’s a balancing act between asking for too little, too much or something even Santa can’t bring.
So here goes – please help the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. That will make Jason Koler very happy and he will give lots of “Happy Dollars” to help our community service projects in Rotary.
Please ensure Jim McCarthy doesn’t skip leg day. He is ripped (I’m sure you follow him on social media) and while leg day isn’t fun the balance is important.
Please remind Anna Richards that picking on “bald guys” when she oversees fines at Rotary is mean. I have feelings.
To keep Terry Abel off ladders at the next Gigantic Nautical Flea Market, just drop him a note in his stocking that you will take him for a ride on your sleigh instead.
Most of all, help us slow down, enjoy the holidays with family, friends and loved ones and let them know how they have brightened our lives over the past year.
— Mike Johnson
Dear Santa,
I want a car warranty. I don’t know where to get one. I have a 2009 GMC with 203,000 miles on it and I am afraid it will break down and I will be stuck with costly repairs.
I know you mostly deal in toys, so if you can’t accommodate this request, maybe you know someone that can. Just have them call me. At any time. On my cell phone. During dinner. Whenever. I will always be happy to hear from them.
And, if that doesn’t work, how about a brand new Lexus?
What I also want for Christmas is a safe place for Keys residents to be able run or ride their bikes without fear of being run over. A marked bike lane is not enough. Maybe something protected by a moat. With alligators. Or a satellite laser system that would zap cars about to hit pedestrians or cyclists. Or bubble wrap and we could all just wrap ourselves before heading out for some exercise?
At a minimum, can you put the careless drivers on your “naughty” list?— Rob Stober
Dear Santa,
Do you exist? I made it 40 years believing in you, but I have to admit, I’m starting to wonder… Last year, I asked for COVID to be over, and yet here we are again. Omicron? Really? What, did you pull that off the side of a Transformers box you were giving to a kid?
So I start where I began last year. Please, please, please can we be done with this! I don’t ever want to use a mask as a stocking stuffer again!
But since you didn’t end it last year, a lot of people suffered. We lost friends, family, and co-workers – people who make the Florida Keys the place we all know and love. So Santa, would you take care of my friends who are spending their Christmas with an empty seat at their table? Can you bring them hope and love to help their grieving hearts?
Before I get to what I want, you already gave me the best present a girl could get. He’s cute, blonde, and makes me crazy. I couldn’t love him anymore, my son Drake. May you bring him the patience to do math, the stamina to run fast, kindness with which to treat others, and the fortitude to deal with me.
For the people I serve, may you give me the strength to hear them, the determination to serve them, and the patience for when I disagree with some of them. The opportunity to serve is a gift, but sometimes feels like when someone gives you new exercise equipment – it hurts to do it.
And it wouldn’t be a letter to Santa without a request or two for me. May you keep those in my life who get their own joy through seeing it in my eyes, and may I be able to do the same for them. As I take on a new challenge for our community, may you either create more than 24 hours in a day, or if you can’t pull that one off, help me to figure out what’s important. And may my family find peace, love, and happiness this holiday season and throughout the new year.
Santa, I ask that you help us make every night – and not just New Year’s — worthy of celebrating with champagne. Bless us all for 2022.
Love,
Holly Merrill Raschein
Monroe County Commissioner, District 5
