Let this article serve as a reminder that Father’s Day is right around the corner — Sunday, June 20. Start planning now. The Keys Weekly will be full up on photos of Dad and family in the Keys Weekly Newspaper issue publishing on June 17, so send your pictures to [email protected] in Key West; [email protected] in the Middle Keys; and [email protected] in the Upper Keys. Photos must be submitted by Monday, June 14 and emails must include contact information.
Getting your dad’s pic in the paper will earn you some serious brownie points, possibly negating the need to buy one of the ridiculous gifts listed below.
Seriously, type “dad shoes” into Google and an image of these white leather New Balance shoes comes up. (Which stings a little bit, because, well we MIGHT have someone in our lives — who’s male and a dad — cough, cough, Mark — who wears these exclusively.) Not sure when these became the ultimate symbol of fatherhood, but here we are. They cost about $60, and are best paired with jorts or cargo shorts.
What is this? Is it a car repair tool? A clamp? No, no. It’s a “theragun” — like a massage tool. Specifically, a “percussive therapy deep tissue muscle treatment massage.” Okay, fine. And whose dad doesn’t do a little complaining about aches and pains? It’s 400 bucks, though, so he better like it. If he doesn’t, rest assured his progeny will weaponize the device.
Oh, HELL YES! Celebrate dad by commissioning his portrait in a ridiculous costume of a third-world, despotic tyrant. Hang it in the living room. Get copies for his children to hang in their homes. The only reason not to buy this is because it might go to his head, enforcing some king-like behaviors, such as eating too much rich food and getting gout. Then, no. Prices vary.
Say it with salami. Order online, or assemble from your local deli or grocery, a fantastic arrangement of not just meat, but cured meat! If salami isn’t your guy’s thing, then get some super good steaks for the guy and a chance to show off his grilling skills on Father’s Day. Prices vary.
All dads are good dads, but some more than others. Commission an Etsy artist to make a saint candle emblazoned with his face. The candle can be lit when he is in need (“How am I gonna pay this hecking water bill? What, are your showers one hour long?”) or when he is in need of a miracle (“My wife and two daughters are all currently menstruating.”) About 20 bucks, or almost free if you DIY.
Hear us out. Does he NEED a goat? Probably not. But does he WANT a goat? Also, no. But will a goat make his life BETTER? Again, no. But will it effectively deflect his ire from the human subjects in his home? Oh, yes. We have no idea if it’s legal or advisable to own a goat in the Florida Keys. However, no matter what you get dad for Father’s Day, you can always tell him what you almost got him, a goat, and he will be grateful for what he got because it’s not a goat. You’re welcome, dad. Costs range from $100 to $800, and do not include veterinary bills, divorce lawyer fees or goat food.