In today’s time of heightened sensitivities and unprecedented wokeness, the staff at the Keys Weekly uncovered how the woke elite regards the magic of the winter holidays (notice we didn’t say “Christmas” so as not to exclude other cultures and religions). 

While this “naughty” list of misdeeds and disappointments is growing as quickly as the national discontent. This holiday season, we bring you…

Signs that Santa is not immune to the lofty standards of today’s wokeness. 

  1. Santa is currently facing penalties, fines and back wages exceeding $3 billion after an extensive, joint investigation by the Department of Labor and Department  of Justice revealed five years of unpaid sick leave and overtime due to “underpaid helpers.” A retired “non-contracted, at-will, skilled laborer” who now resides in Las Vegas (referred to in court filings as Humphrey E. Candybottom) filed a class action suit in the Clark County Federal Court on behalf of 700 elves and nine reindeer. The most recent ruling, which Santa’s attorneys have appealed, states, “all of Santa’s helpers must be classified as employees, entitled to the same rights and benefits under the state of Nevada employment statutes.”  
  2. Santa’s approval ratings are at an all-time low, after Mr. Claus lost a defamation suit against PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) in late July. PETA launched a series of smear campaigns against Santa, claiming that Father Christmas has “exploited and glorified the mistreatment of reindeer for centuries, while holding innocent and magical creatures against their will in illegal captivity.” In early September, leaked videos purchased by TMZ  appeared to show Santa using Dancer and Prancer for personal errands, including frequent trips to Denny’s, unscheduled late-night trips to a gentlemen’s club and dry-cleaning pickups. Santa has maintained his visits to gentlemen’s clubs are for “naughty list research” only. (Santa is facing similar outrage in Germany and Italy over his alleged mistreatment of an unnamed donkey). 
  3. In another PR setback, the National Organization for Women has called for Santa to discontinue his popular catch phrase, “Ho Ho Ho!” deeming it “misogynistic and chauvinistic, with demoralizing and derogatory implications to all women worldwide.” Santa vehemently denied the allegations during a recent podcast with Joe Rogan, claiming he is the target of “mis-targeted misandry and radical wokeness.”
  4. Several hunger and healthy food organizations have slammed Santa’s nutrition record. In 2021, both City Harvest and Feeding America scored Santa a 0.003 rating (on a scale of 10) for his “dangerous and reckless nutrition practice that promotes unhealthy sugars and corn starches to millions of children around the world.” The groups claim Santa is likely responsible for over 40% of child obesity in the United States alone. Both groups have asked that Santa consider “farm-to-table” options for stockings, while asking children to leave organic snacks and milk substitutes (such as soy and oak) out on Christmas Eve.
  5. The Clean Air Task Force last visited Claus’ North Pole factory in 2015. The semi-jolly old elf is still trying to fix his brand after the organization rated Santa No. 4 on the world’s list of most devastating climate and environmental polluters, “causing detrimental and irreversible impacts on the northern ice cap.” Many believe Santa has operated wrapping paper mills and toy-making factories outside EPA guidelines. Only three other violators ranked higher than Santa in 2015, including Russia, China and Amazon. Santa was fined $30 million with ongoing sanctions by the Obama administration. * In 2016, Donald Trump removed all sanctions from Santa’s North Pole facilities. 
  6. Another revelation that sent shockwaves around the world came from Ms. Claus’s recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, when she claimed her husband was unvaccinated and unmasked during all Christmas deliveries on Dec. 24, 2020. Dr. Anthony Fauci immediately responded by saying, “Santa Claus could very well have served as a global super-spreader during the 2021 COVID resurgence, carelessly exposing over 65 million households to the virus.” Santa has yet to respond to the allegations, however, during his podcast with Joe Rogan, the world’s oldest elf did tout his support for the drug Ivermectin. Santa’s attorney’s have also pointed out that no studies have proven the speed of COVID’s spread can occur during a relative state in which infinite mass and energy is gained — otherwise known as Santa’s magic ability to stop time.  
  7. In early August, photos of an allegedly inebriated Santa Claus at a New Year’s Eve party in the Bahamas were published by Breitbart News Network with the title, “Claus Gone Wild: Santa’s a Bad Boy!” The photos, apparently taken on an elve’s cellphone at private bungalow on Paradise Island, show a shirtless Santa in red leather jeans pouring what appears to be Jagermeister on his bare chest. In another white powder is visible on his nostrils and several scantily clad elves are seen whipping Santa with a Cat of 9 tails and smoking what appears to be marijuna cigarettes. “What I do on my own time after Christmas is my own business,” said Claus in a statement issued through his PR Agency, Kringle and Associates. “I did not provide or consume any illegal narcotics and any sex acts were performed on or with consenting parties. To all a good night.”
  8. In the explosive and unauthorized best selling tell-all, “Santa: the man under the toy sack,” disavowed wood shop elve Sparkles Lemonjello describes how a tormented St. Nick voluntarily enrolled in sensitivity training after hundreds of years of offensive gift giving. Chapter 9 outlines the anguish stemming from gifts like Mark Twain’s “Huckleberry Finn” to Dr. Suess books to Bill Cosby comedy albums and sports team merchandise featuring native Americans.

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Britt Myers traded in a life of monetary success, a chiseled body and intellectual enlightenment for a piece of the pie of the Keys Weekly newspapers. He is also the proud parent of an incredible six-year-old and a sucker for Michael Mann movies and convenience store hot dogs.