Fantasy Fest 2019. Contributed/

Imagine Tuesday’s Key West City Commission meeting was a drinking game and every time someone said the word “genitalia” you had to take a shot. Let’s just say, you’d have been 10 times over the legal limit. Yes, the commission was discussing Fantasy Fest’s contract renewal and the issues surrounding nudity, lewd behavior and the new and improved “re-imagined” Key West (because everyone knows the old way that created this island just wasn’t working any longer). But nothing beats a panel of middle-aged people (and possibly some approaching their twilight years) talking about nudity and body parts. It was the equivalent of a sex education class being led by the Moms for Liberty. With that said, the meeting did offer some fun sound bites and we jotted down a few of our favorites. 

Top 10 sound bites from the Key West City Commission discussion on Fantasy Fest & nudity… 

10. “I have not talked to one person in the city of Key West that said, ‘Yes, I believe we should have naked people walking around our streets.’” — Mayor Teri Johnston (Our thoughts: Maybe that’s a strange question to lead with when talking to people). 

9. “At one point, years ago, people who were naked were given an option to put on a T-shirt that was offered by police, or be arrested.” — Commissioner Jimmy Weekley (Our thoughts: Commissioner Weekley has been a commissioner since the Bronze Age, so we need more clarification on “years ago.” P.S. We love you, Commissioner Weekley.) 

8. “50,000 to 80,000 people aren’t nude. It’s a really small minority that really ruins it for everyone else.” — Mayor Teri Johnston. (Our thoughts exactly. A really small minority does typically ruin it for everyone. Sort of like public speakers at commission meetings). 

7. “Wouldn’t body paint be considered an opaque covering of the genitalia and the top of the nipple?” — Commissioner Greg Davila, quoting from the city’s code defining nudity. (Our thoughts: He said “genitalia” and “nipple.”)

6. “If there’s no Fantasy Zone, I think we’ll have a problem with possible wanderers into our parts of town. I’d like to keep the Fantasy Zone.” — Commissioner Sam Kaufman. (Our thoughts: Or maybe we just keep the Fantasy Zone because it’s a huge part of the largest event in the Florida Keys for more than 40 years). 

5. “The Fantasy Zone came from discussions YEARS ago when the city said, ‘Hey, we need to designate an area where certain behaviors are acceptable.’” — Steve Robbins, TDA board. (Our thoughts: Translation. The Fantasy Zone came along years ago because people like to have fun in a city that prides itself on open-minded principals, fun, creative expression and less censorship). 

4. “We always are… (talking about buttocks).”— Commissioner Greg Davila, joking with city attorney Shawn Smith. (Our thoughts: He’s said “genitalia,” “nipple” and now “buttocks” from the dais. This will likely lead to a protest from some very offended moms at the next meeting). 

3. “Why can’t you be body-painted and not be nude?” — Mayor Teri Johnston. (Our thoughts: Because it’s called “body” paint). 

2. “A message has to be sent: Do NOT expose yourself to our kids.” — Paul Menta, local business man and a really good kiteboarder. (Our thoughts. This should be someone’s campaign slogan). 

1.”Your ordinance does not allow nudity, even with body paint. It says, ‘provided that such person not display genitalia or the pubic area in a public place.’ If you look at the definition of nudity, it says, ‘exposure of male or female genitalia or buttocks even if painted.’ So what you’re really talking about is buttocks.”— City Attorney Shawn Smith. (Our thoughts: There’s a very high likelihood that Smith used these remarks as a coded jab to call someone in the room an asshole).

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