Visitors to our islands often notice that the various types of wildlife that inhabit these coral rocks are different that the species they have at home. No kidding. In that spirit, we here at Keys Disease Central are proud to present The Complete Imbecile’s Guide to Keys Critters.

No guide like this would be worth the paper it is written upon without mention of the kind of wildlife that truly gets up close and personal with humans. Two of these wild creatures are the various species of mosquito and the no-see-um. These insects desire what you are not necessarily inclined to share; namely, your blood. But take a moment and look at it from the insect’s perspective. The critters that normally offer their lifeblood to hungry mosquitoes and no-see-ums usually have fur or feathers in the way of their skin – not so easy for a small insect to navigate. But here comes the relatively hairless human to the islands, and bloodsucking insects of the tropics rejoice – to them, we’re nothing more than all-you-can-eat blood buffets. In their attempts to deter these insects from feasting upon us, humans have developed numerous types of repellents. My personal favorite is the coil that is ignited and burns for several seconds before our island humidity renders it completely useless.

Our avian friends certainly deserve mention in our guide. Many visitors notice that our birds are somewhat different than the robins, cardinals, and bluebirds of happiness that inhabit most of the continental United States. First, we have our long-necked shore birds like the heron and the egret. Easy to spot, these birds are often seen where the highway is close to water. As such, egrets and herons are responsible for more traffic accidents that any other bird. They, however, will not get the ticket.

Pelicans are quite the popular local bird, but they have a downside: they’re shameless beggars. It’s sad to see what once was a proud fishing species being reduced to panhandling for fish scraps at docks. And don’t get me started on those seagulls…

Other noteworthy local birds include our ospreys, hawks, and the occasional eagle. These raptors, or birds of prey, are exceptional creatures because they can catch and keep fish without any regard to size, weight, or slot limits. It can be very frustrating for a fisherman to watch an osprey carry off a prize fish. Yelling at the bird won’t help, and you’ll look like a freakin’ idiot.

On Big Pine Key (and a few other “Lower” Keys), the protected Key Deer roam freely. A sub-species of the common whitetail deer, our Key Deer have taken advantage of their isolation on our islands to evolve slowly into miniature versions of their former selves. This process has resulted in smaller deer that are much easier for invasive Burmese pythons to consume. It is illegal to feed the deer, which is why most of our Keys lawbreakers live on Big Pine Key.

Other endangered and protected species that call the Keys home include the Key Largo Wood Rat, the Key Largo Cotton Mouse, and the Lower Keys Marsh Rabbit. What people would consider pests “back home” are protected here in the Keys. This also goes for the Keys’ version of the yard-destroying gopher: the land crab. They are among the very few species that can actually dig holes in the concrete-like substance that masquerades as “soil” here.

Unfortunately, the Keys have fallen victim to “invasive” or “exotic” species – creatures that did not originate here but that have found the Keys to be particularly habitable. Notable offenders include the green iguana, the curly-tail lizard, the Nile crocodile, the Gambian pouch rat, and the large French Canadian Speedo-wearing beach creature. Each of these species threatens our local wildlife… or perhaps just the view.

Finally, let’s devote a few words to our friendly neighborhood scorpions. Many people believe – quite erroneously – that scorpions only inhabit desert-like climates. Not so! It seems that damp, humid, moldy piles of debris make the perfect scorpion-friendly neighborhood. Unlike the sand-colored scorpions of the desert, our scorpions are long and black. Many Keys residents say you haven’t truly lived until you’ve stepped on a scorpion in your bare feet, or had one pop you in the hand when you’re cleaning up that pile of garbage in the backyard.

Well, here we are at the end of the Guide, and no mention of coral snakes or lionfish or eastern diamondback rattlesnakes! Maybe next time…



  1. What about thong-clad roofers? All in all sir, you hit the nail squarely on the head. And it seems that Mr. Christie, sent his state to the FFK to shut down our road…

Leave a Reply