I’ve got mad skills. Unfortunately, they’re not what most people would consider useful or in any way suited for a resume, in the traditional sense. But I do wish some of my talents were a bit more marketable. In today’s “gig economy,” with everyone creating their own jobs, or income sources, I could be a millionaire, if only someone would pay me to…

…Expertly fast forward through commercials in a recorded television show without going too far and having to rewind;

….Hit the snooze button every 10 minutes for an hour, yet STILL manage to convince myself that I’ve somehow gotten some sort of bonus sleep;

…Parallel park like a freakin’ champ. (My husband, Stan, likes to point out on the rare occasions that I’m driving when both of us are in the car, “I’ll give you credit. You certainly park better than you drive.”)

…Remember the most useless details from mundane events of decades ago. Of course, I can’t recall the two cards I’m holding in a Texas Hold ’Em hand four seconds after they were dealt, and I’m regularly surprised by the contents of a package that arrives two days after I’d ordered it on Amazon Prime — and one day after I received an email confirmation. Granted, that could be attributed to something else.

…”Talk” down a toilet that’s threatening to overflow, or a fizzy drink that hovers above the rim of the glass.

… Identify the voice of a celebrity or actor in a commercial or animated show.

… Diagram a sentence the old-fashioned way, with subject, predicate on one line and the slanted lines for modifiers.


…Fold T-shirts in a “filing” sort of method to fit 34 of Stan’s shirts in one dresser drawer. Swear to God. Learned it on YouTube.

…Name all 50 states in alphabetical order in less than a minute. I’m not sure why this was so important to the nun who taught social studies in fourth grade, but it certainly stuck.

…Correctly predict the killer and motive in almost every true crime TV show — except the British ones. (Hint: It’s nearly always the spouse and there’s always a life insurance policy.)

There you have it, my resume of useless skills. Now, if I could just master things like financial responsibility, time management, organization and a healthy diet, I’d be unstoppable. Of course, then I wouldn’t have time to hone my fast-forwarding technique.

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