By Britt Myers, Jason Koler & Joe Mitchell
They say communication is the key to any successful relationship. But men and women speak two different languages (something about Mars and Venus).
In the spirit of celebrating and supporting women throughout this magazine, we figured we’d offer some insight into the minds and ears of men, who typically interpret their woman’s best intentions (and thoroughly clear directions) much differently than intended.
We bring you this helpful female-to-male translation dictionary.
She Said: I hadn’t really slept with many men before you. And I don’t even remember most of them, because I’m so in love with you.
He Heard: My sophomore year of college was a lot like Wilt Chamberlain’s years in the NBA.
She Said: Honey, I don’t care if you buy that new boat. I just want to make sure we take care of the kitchen and patio before anything else.
He Heard: Time to buy a new boat!
She Said: I don’t mind that you watch porn, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand or affect our sex life.
He Heard: Scientifically speaking, I need you to watch as much porn as possible for research purposes. After all, how can we try new things and spice up our sex life if you’re not exploring the latest trends and positions within the professional love-making community?
She Said: Baby, it’s fine if you don’t like my cooking. I promise I won’t be offended. Just be honest and tell me.
He Heard: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.
She Said: I think we should have another baby.
He Heard: …(crickets)
She Said: Obviously I would never do it, but Jason Momoa is my ultimate “hall pass.”
He Heard: I would sell you and my own soul to the dark lord himself for two hours with Momoa.
She Said: I don’t know how I scraped the car against that pole when I was backing out. It was totally in my blindside.
He Heard: I was on the phone, adjusting the radio and applying mascara while accelerating like a maniac and backing your car directly into a giant pole.
She Said: Honey, I think you look amazing.. But I’m worried about your health and never want to lose you. Maybe it’s time to think about getting back into shape?
He Heard: You were 30 pounds lighter when we met and used to go to the gym every day. I don’t care if I lose you in 10 years, I just need you to look a lot better until then.
She Said: I love the “Real Housewives” franchise. These women live with millions of dollars, eat at amazing restaurants, dress in exclusive designer wear and travel to exotic places, but they’re just like the rest of us when it comes to daily drama.
He Heard: I’d have a lot more fun if you just made more money.
She Said: I don’t really watch football, but I love Tom Brady because he’s married to Gisele, whom I respect for having her own amazing career as a model and a mother.
He Heard: I have no idea what a football is, but I watch Tom Brady because he’s hot. And Gisele can kiss my ass for being married to him.
She Said: Do you think I’ve gained weight?
He Heard: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.
